


Silence

by MaryByU



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Aged-Up Kim Namjoon | RM, Aged-Up Min Yoongi | Suga, Alpha Jeon Jungkook, Alpha Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, Alpha Kim Namjoon | RM, Alpha Kim Seokjin | Jin, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Min Yoongi | Suga, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Kid Jeon Jungkook, Kim Namjoon | RM & Kim Seokjin | Jin are Siblings, M/M, Married Kim Seokjin | Jin/Min Yoongi | Suga, Minor Character Death, Miscarriage, Not Beta Read, Not a Love Story, Omega Kim Taehyung | V, Omega Min Yoongi | Suga, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Kim Seokjin | Jin/Min Yoongi | Suga, Sad Jeon Jungkook, Sad Min Yoongi | Suga, Single Parent Min Yoongi | Suga
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:08:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27623180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryByU/pseuds/MaryByU
Summary: Silence hurt and Jungkook learn it the hard way, especially when it comes from his own father.He grew up alone and lonely, with the only desire to do everything to makes his appa looks at him.But Yoongi can’t, because Jungkook isn’t his own. Jungkook isn’t and would never be his own pup. And it's something he can't say himself, not to a child that didn’t asked to be with him.But then Jungkook find out the truth the worst way possible and everything fall apart.
Relationships: Jung Hoseok | J-Hope/Kim Taehyung | V, Kim Seokjin | Jin/Min Yoongi | Suga
Comments: 45
Kudos: 110





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1 : This story hit really too close to home, so please, don’t judge it, don’t be mean, don’t be anything close to rude, thank you.  
> 2 : this is not beta read (like all of my stories) so they are a lot of mistakes, I’m not an English speaker so I’m really sorry for all of them, if any of you want to be my beta reader, feel free ^^  
> 3 : I’m really sorry for who had read my other stories, there are put on hold because I lost all of my works from my USB and I’m still bitter and sad about it, I’ll finish them one day when I had enough courage to start all of my work from the base…  
> 4 : Please leave a comment, it always help ^^


	2. The beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my longest chapter ever… it wasn’t supposed to be but… it happened…

_It started years ago, a cry, a mistake and a rejection._

Jungkook grew up quietly, he passed his time between his drawing and cartoons. Contrary to any only child, he didn’t receive as much love as he was supposed to, he passed most of his time with the toy he had or the book his appa would buy him from time to time.

Little, he learned that he shouldn’t cry for attention, that he shouldn’t disturb his appa for anything other than an emergency. He would never cry when he was hungry, neither when he wanted a new toy just because his other one was broken.

There were also times when he would be sad to be alone during bedtime stories, so he started to read them himself, remembering them by the pictures and whispering words just for him to hear. Those moments were when he was the saddest, because he didn’t like being alone, didn’t like the darkness of the night and didn’t like the absence of his appa.

But sometimes during those lonely nights, his appa would enter his room, tucking him under his blanket with a stern look, making him cower a little on himself, but happy to feel his appa warmness and big hand in his hair caressing them to make him sleepy.

He would snuggle closer to his appa body just to feel his warmness and feel safe.

*

Jungkook knew early that he needed to be a good boy for his appa to love him, he had seen boys and girls in his school being kissed and hugged at the end of school after being answered if they had been good, and Jungkook being just 4 wanted that too.

Appa had never kissed him, he did hug, but it was always too short and quick for the pup, Jungkook liked his appa presence, even if his appa didn’t have any scent like his teacher and the other children, he loved him anyway, loved to put his face in his appa neck and hide there, it was his favorite place.

But he learned quickly that it was a place where he wasn’t able to go anytime. He needed to be really good, needed to listen his appa well, because if he was good maybe his appa would hug him then.

Sometimes, rarely, his appa would take him in his arm when Jungkook would be too sad, crying silent tears and unable to form any word, it was moments like when children in his school would push him away throwing in his face bad words because he didn’t have another father.

He was too little to understand the meaning of it and too upset to talk about it to his appa, so he would stay quiet, breaking down when he would see his appa outside of school after classes.

Those moments, even if he was upset, were his favorite one, because when Jungkook was sad, his appa would keep him in his arm, like his appa knew that this place was Jungkook’s safe place and Jungkook would stay an hour in his appa neck, sniffing and trying to just snuggle closer like knowing deep inside that something was missing there.

Growing up, the hug gets shorter and shorter, and the contact between his appa and him lesser, until he was too tall to get any.

Even when things didn’t change at school, and the kids started to ignore him, all he needed was his appa presence, he didn’t ask for anything else. Because Jungkook needed to grow up now, because Jungkook needed to protect his appa now.

High school had been a nightmare, he was always alone, the kids had long decided to push him aside and makes him their pushover, he never complained, not wanting to draw any more attention on himself. Classes were as bad and his locker was often if no always filled with ugly letters filled with bad words that Jungkook would get ride quickly, but he didn’t care, because every night he would come back home to his appa and it was enough for him.

He didn’t make friends, he hated the kids in his school, and didn’t need anyone in his life, he was happy alone, passing time with books and music.

He didn’t need anyone when all he wanted was his appa, but then he grew up, faster than he wanted to, his toys disappeared one day, the walls of his room stripping of their posters and soon he needed to go to college.

Adult life was a little scary, because he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t have a dream and never thought of a future where he would be an adult. For him, he would pass his life here, in his childhood home, with his appa and have nice job at his appa restaurant.

But then he graduated with good marks, bringing his report card home to show his appa who had just smiled.

Jungkook had been a little disappointed, pouting because appa hadn’t hugged him, at this point he should have been used to the cold shoulder, but he wasn’t, there was this small hope inside that one day his appa would hug him, kiss his forehead or even smile widely at him.

There was this desire in him to have his appa attention, this wish that makes him turn to his appa every time he needed to do something, like an approval, like what he was doing was alright, he needed his appa to tell him everything would be alright.

Like an approval.

But the day of his graduation, where every parent was there, smiling, taking pictures, kissing their pup and being proud of them, his appa hadn’t been there, and Jungkook had cried all the way back home.

He had stopped a few alleys from his house, not wanting to get home yet too upset and hurt, but mostly not wanting his appa to see him like that.

He was sad, desperate and a little angry, but not to his appa, he was angry at himself for not understanding where he was doing wrong, where he was doing wrong for his appa to still not look at him. He gets home with a heavy heart, hands wiping his cheeks and breathing deeply, trying to erase any trace of his outburst, but when he get home, he was in front of an entire feast of his favorite food with a smiling appa that path his shoulder and the tears and sadness were immediately forgotten.

*

Jungkook hadn’t presented when he started to look for college, he was still 18, a year ahead at school and a late bloomer on top of that, but lately his scent has been off and it was stressing him a lot.

His mind was everywhere and nowhere at times, in his need to make his appa happy, he wanted to stay in Daegu, wanted to stay home, it was a need that he needed to fill to make his wolf calm and himself happy, until one day during dinner, his appa asks him otherwise.

The look on his appa face was a little strange, a little empty and sad, the same look when his appa would ask him to do something Jungkook wouldn’t like.

And he was right.

“Why don’t you go to Seoul for college ? It will be a good experience to be far from home.” and Jungkook didn’t want to, but Jungkook had never said no to his appa and so he nod, pouting, wolf hurt and curling on himself, and Jungkook knew.

He knew that appa had never really loved him, but it hurt, it hurt to know and see that no matter his effort he would always be pushed away. By everyone.

That night he cried a lot

Hidden under his comforter and not making a noise, with time he knew how to cry silently, how to not make any noise. Knew how to let his tears fall whitout any eyes around.

And just let his sadness pour in the room with his bitter scent.

He cried, scent covering the entire home like wanting to reach for someone, but like always his appa didn’t come, the door didn’t open, his appa didn’t care.

His appa didn’t love him.

*

Jungkook wasn’t stupid, growing up he knew that his appa didn’t love him, he never hugged him if it wasn’t necessary, never praised him, never path his shoulder when he didn't have to, never looks at him in the eyes, and never ever smiled sincerely to him.

His appa ignored him most of the time, it was obvious that Jungkook wasn’t a desired child, but nonetheless Jungkook would make every effort to make his appa looks at him.

He tried to be the best student, he enters the sport team in his school, takes extra activities to impress his appa, he even apply for the best college in Daegu, but in the end it was never enough.

That’s why presenting had been something he had always waited.

He was supposed to be an alpha, it was in his DNA, something that he had never really thought until now. Recently the kids around him had started to present, newly alpha showing of and families being proud of them and Jungkook knew that it was supposed to be what was awaiting for him, so a small hope had started to grow in his heart.

The hope to be acknowledged by his appa, because he would be finally proud of him, right ? Alpha were loved and respected, there was no way that his appa don’t be, right ?

So he waited, he knew that it would happen any day now, his scent was sour and stressing him and he was finally 18, old enough that his body was ready to change to whatever it was supposed to.

It happened one night, waking up trembling from fever. Contrary to what he had learned, he didn’t have any wish to be with an omega, his body wasn’t hurting and his wolf wasn’t feeling alone.

For him it was just like any other cold, if not a lot worst, his body was sweating profusely, covered with red patch and trembling like a leaf.

He was cold and hot at the same time, staying in bed all 4 days. He didn’t see the time pass, lost and eyes mostly closed, he didn’t hear anything either, the house was silent but he would hear his appa in the kitchen, making him feel a little less stressed to know that he was still there around.

Sometime, between consciousness and sleep, he would feel a hand running in his hair, long fingers that felt a lot like his appa’s, but it was like a dream, a feeling that he hadn’t felt in the last few years that he tried to keep in heart not wanting to wake up.

By the end of the fourth day, he opened his eyes to his phone charged in the nightstand and lightning up of messages from his appa asking him to come down after taking a shower.

Everything was like before, he sits down at the dining table like he was used to, eyes searching his appa and waiting for him to say something, but nothing comes, not a smile, not a word.

His scent soured immediately, a lot more potent now that he had presented, making his appa looks up at him with a frown.

“Did something happened ?” his appa had asked and he had shaken his head, keeping his eyes down in his plate that was strangely more filled than usual. He looks at his appa plate, far emptier than what was normal. And he tears up, hating himself to think that his appa didn’t care, hating to think that his appa didn’t love him, because his appa did, his love has been just quieter than what he had wanted to.

That day, like usual, he didn’t say anything about what he was feeling, putting his own food in his appa plate discreetly, trying to keep his scent neutral, but deep inside he knew.

He knew that he didn’t have anything to prove anymore.

*

The moving out was quick, he didn’t have a lot of boxes, throwing away a lot of his things and packing many other to put them in the cellar, a friend of his appa was helping them filled the car, he didn’t bring a lot with him, mostly because he wasn’t sure what to take with him.

Jungkook wasn’t ready to leave, the more the date of his move was approaching, the more his wolf was restless. His body and mind were only able to pack the less possible, so seeing his room gradually emptying wasn’t what he had expected.

He didn’t say much, getting in the car when it was time, and listening to whatever his appa and his friend was talking about.

Jaebum uncle had always been around as far as Jungkook remember, he was one year younger than his appa, and handsome, and on top of that an alpha, it’s not that Jungkook hated it, but since he presented, he had a hard time seeing anyone around his appa, it was like anyone presence could erase his own, and this fear was taking root farther than it should have.

The drive to Seoul was a 4 hour one, but it passed quicker than he wanted to. At some point he started to ignore his wolf that was clawing his chest the more he was far from his den, his chest was painful, and his head hurt but he needed to.

His father wanted him to leave home and he will do it.

He didn’t put attention to Seoul, eyes unfocused looking outside, he stays quiet all the way to his new home. A place filled with an omega scent that he knew was his new roommate. The omega was as tall as him, and handsome, showing of a mate bite in his neck with a boxy smile.

He didn’t like it, didn’t like another omega being able to shake his appa hands and gain a smile from him so easily, didn’t like the way everything was going so smoothly like it was supposed to happen.

He didn’t liked the moment he knew his appa needed to go back to Daegu alone with an alpha he had suddenly started to hate even if he knew Jaebum uncle since childhood.

But even if his emotion and scent that he couldn’t control were all over the place he didn’t say anything, following his appa to the door, pouting like a child.

Turning to Jungkook, his appa puts his hand on his shoulder, squeezing it before engulfing him in a hug that was far too quick for him, making him whine in protest when his appa moved away smiling slightly with his so rare gummy smile.

“Don’t whine at me pup, you’re an adult now, don’t do anything stupid, understood ?” and the younger nod pouting, heart clenching and hurting.

“No alcohol when omegas are closer.” The older continue “promise me”

“Promise.” He whispers, heart becoming a little lighter to hear his appa concern.

“No driving while being drunk.”

“I promise to not be an idiot” making his appa smile a little.

“No...”

“Appa, I promise to be responsible.” he said, smiling all teeth, a smile he knew would disappear the moment his appa would turn away from him, but hearing the breathy “good” from his father, like feeling better.

With year, he grew taller than his appa, loving the height difference that he knew makes his father irritate at times when Jungkook would play it in his own favor, but right now he hated it, wanting to be the child that could have been hug his appa legs and hide behind him.

He received another tap in his head, it was the most they had talked for a few months, but it was those moments when all of his doubt, insecurities and sadness would fade away, because in those moments he knew his appa cared.

After a last ruffle of hair, his appa waves him goodbye, leaving him in his doorstep with a heavy heart and pouting lips.

All that was left was tears that he knew would fall that night.

*

Seoul was a big city.

Too big for a tiny human like him, he didn’t or couldn’t understand what was different from Daegu, but the building seems taller, the road bigger and the people far more than in his hometown. He could feel himself becoming smaller between all of this, the dialect was different, and people seem brighter like Seoul makes them happier, but Jungkook wasn’t happy.

It’s a month since he comes in Seoul, but the city still seems like an unknown place, a place that wasn’t home.

Taehyung, his roommate was sweet, two years older and brighter enough to make Jungkook smile even when his body wanted to cry. The omega scent was also a lot more comforting than what he had thought, he wasn’t used to live around any scent, his appa didn’t have one and he knew it wasn’t normal but because of it, his nose was far more sensitive than any wolf.

He hadn’t gotten used to another new presence around him, but Taehyung wasn’t hard to live with, he could be touchy at time making him jump away, making him often uncomfortable, but not enough to make him run away.

Taehyung alpha wasn’t better, he was far more cheerful than any person Jungkook had ever met, a bright smile with bright eyes, he had met him just once but it had been enough for the young alpha to be at ease.

Some night, when Jungkook couldn’t fall asleep, his roommate would stay up with him, discussing about their hometown or just looking at any movie. It was friendly, warm, something Jungkook wasn’t used to.

But not something he was against.

But the more weeks passed, the more Taehyung needed to take his own life again, he didn’t stay with him as much, stopped showing him Seoul around, and Jungkook was left alone again. It was supposed to happen, Jungkook knew it, but being alone and lonely in a city he hated was putting a toll on him.

Some night he would make some excuse just to pass time with Taehyung, going as far as to ask if his alpha, Hoseok could come.

It was pitiful in his own eyes, but Jungkook was desperate, desperate for some attention, love, friendship, anything to make him feel wanted and alive.

But the more he tried, the more he missed his appa, it was his first time being far from home, even if he was an adult now, he couldn’t help but miss him.

That’s why he started to work at the café down the road, to think less of home, to put his mind somewhere else, to busy himself, it didn’t work completely but enough that he wasn’t becoming crazy.

Slowly he started to not sleep at night at all, he couldn’t when his room wasn’t familiar, his bitter and sour scent filling the place like a wildfire every time his wolf was hurting.

And he hated it. Sadness and sorrow were feeling his entire being, a feeling that he knew too well, but was becoming more and more something, he didn’t understand, something that was making him harder to stay calm.

“How about you send pictures to our appa ? I know that when I come to Seoul for the first time, I couldn’t stay far so I started to send pictures to my grandma, and she did the same in Daegu, it was like we were still together, showing each other days”

Taehyung idea had taken root in him, that’s how he started to take pictures of everything and nothing, of his breakfast, of his way to school, of his classes and sending them to his appa whenever he could, the picture where always put on “seen” without any answer in return but for Jungkook it was enough.

At some point Taehyung join, taking pictures of himself and sending it with “my roommate” as a caption.

The omega was friendly and a lot less shy than him, and in his cocoon that he had created since coming to Seoul it was a welcome sight.

Jungkook didn’t grew expressive, years of staying quit had make him unaware of half of his feeling, he didn’t know how to say ‘I miss you’ or ‘I love you’ or ‘Thank you’ but for once he wanted to thank them, for being his friend, for helping him feel less unloved

He didn’t know how to be honest with himself, but slowly he was learning.

It was three months after he had come to Seoul, but his boxes were still close and Jungkook wasn’t going to change it anytime soon. Keeping them close was like telling himself he would go home soon.

Because opening them would be like accepting his reality and Jungkook didn’t want to stay here, he wanted to leave as soon as possible and if for it he would keep them close then be it.

It was a way to keep his wolf calm for the time being.

During those months he tried to call his appa, just to say hi, but no one answered, and he didn’t try to call again too afraid to understand that no one would ever answer again.

It was an illogical fear, but it was a fear that had started to take root in his heart, enough that he couldn’t let go of it even if he wanted to.

A fear that makes him hate Seoul harder, Seoul that was far away from appa, a city that his appa wanted him to come, a city where he had makes friend, but friends wasn’t family, here he was alone, and lonely.

He wanted to go home, wanted to leave Seoul, because Seoul wasn’t home.

That’s how one day he skips classes and stay in his room, he couldn’t leave his room, curled on himself, it was those days where his appa would enter his room and passed his hand in his hair slowly, long fingers untangling them, and ask with his gravelly voice “Do you want to stay home ?” to which he would nod.

He could imagine it, his appa presence, his low breathing, his warmness and coldness, and it was making his tears fall silently.

He missed him.

He wanted to be a child again, to stay in this bubble where he won’t think of missing his appa, where he won’t think of his self-hatred or about tomorrow or the next years, life was scary, adulthood was scary, loneliness was scary.

But the more he thought about it, the more he understood that he couldn’t come home again, his father had given him a way out, a way to say “it’s now or never”

His appa was telling him to make his own life and not come back and the thought, becoming truer after every minute makes him cry harder.

It takes him another week before starting to open his boxes, his messages were still seen and his calls still unanswered and it was enough to break his heart, enough to make him understand that he wasn’t welcomed anymore.

He forced himself Saturday night to unbox his things, he did it slowly, the door of his room closed to be left alone and wiping his tear whenever they would fall.

It was hard, eyes refusing to leave his phone for a second, hoping for it to ring and found his appa in the other line, but the more he was putting his things away, the more the silence of his phone was becoming heavier.

It was the worst feeling, understanding that he won’t go home again for at least months and maybe years, worse to know that now he would have to turn the page, close his heart and try to understand why he wasn’t able to make his appa love him.

Later, when he was feeling a little better, he forced himself to fill his cupboard with his books and clothes after throwing the empty boxes away.

That’s how he finds it, he had taken his medical files in case he falls sick, it had never happened before, he didn’t even remember going to the hospital when he was a child, but he didn’t want the doctors to call his appa in case something happens, didn’t want his appa to be worried or even know anything.

That’s why late at night just the day before moving out, he had gone to his appa room to take it, finding it hidden under other files. He wasn’t used to be there, Jungkook didn’t even remember if he ever enters this room, he had felt like a thief, quiet and quick.

Now that he had the files in hand, there wasn’t much considering he had been a healthy child, there was an envelope too, taking more of the files than his medical reports, it was sealed and for a second, he hesitated to open it before doing it anyway, promising himself to sealed it again after.

It was filled with medical report dating from 20 years ago, of ultrasound that he knew was his own and pictures of a baby that looks like himself too.

Seeing himself growing inside his appa belly trough the ultrasound was strange, stranger when he saw a picture of his appa with another person.

The picture was old, taken on a wedding day looking at their clothes, the man was tall, broad shoulder, black hair and plump lips, with a handsome face and kind eyes.

It was strange to see his father, his other father that had given birth to him, his appa had never talked about him, and Jungkook had never asked. Not because he wasn’t curious, but because he didn’t know how to ask when his appa seems to not want to talk about it.

Putting the picture aside, he takes the report in his hand, a heavy block of papers that he started to read making the small smile on his face slowly disappearing.

The words were hard, hard to read, to understand, blurry with his tears and empty for his mind that couldn’t understand.

His breath becoming labored at every new page turning, at some point he let the files fall on his knee, trembling and mind all over the place, letting his hand coming his face to cover it, breathing hard and laborious.

He couldn’t breathe, not properly, he didn’t know what was happening, didn’t, couldn’t understand what he was thinking. He was lost.

He let himself fall on the ground, rolling in a ball trying to make himself as small as possible, he wanted to disappear, to forget, to empty his head, no. Better, he wanted to go a day before, to turn back time just a day so he doesn’t do anything.

He didn’t know how much time passed before Taehyung found him, he wasn’t aware of anything other than hands touching his face and wiping his tears, lips moving in front of his eyes, but he deosn’t see anything, couldn’t focus on anything.

The older try to make him breath but he was livid and trembling, eyes unfocused, refusing to listen, until he feels hands on his face. And then a scent.

Sweet scent.

Covering him.

Taehyung, Taehyung was scenting him.

But he was never scented before and it was wrong.

Wrong wrong wrong !

His wolf didn’t like it, HE didn’t like it.

Because his _first scent_ was supposed to be appa, appa and no one else.

Appa, appa that wasn’t appa anymore.

Had never been.

His appa wasn’t his appa

He didn’t have an appa.

Reject it !

In a moment where his alpha become feral, he pushed the omega away, violently enough that his mind cleared a little, but not enough to worry, not enough to stop his thought.

He just needed to go away, to go... no to close himself, he needs to be alone in a small place…

That’s how he forces himself to lock in their small bathroom, falling on the ground, ignoring his names being called, ignoring the knock on the door.

There, alone and lonely, he broke down, it’s not the first time, he had cried many times before, but this time it was different, this time he really was alone completely, to every sense of the word, this time he cried for himself, for his appa, for everything he didn’t have, to his stupidity and sorrow.

He cried, scream, howl, let himself fall apart like he had never done before.

Lost, hurt and out of control, his alpha was hurt too, wanting to disappear as much he wanted to.

He doesn’t know how much time passed, but he knows that at some point when the door broke down, It was Hoseok calm scent that covered him like a cocoon, it was strange, letting himself being comforted, strange when he wasn’t used to have anyone seeing him in this state, he wanted to tell him to go away, to be left alone, but couldn’t, his lips couldn’t form a word and his limp couldn’t move to push him away so he let him.

Even if he wasn’t worthy of their worries and comfort.

The hand and scent didn’t disappear, in the contrary they wiped his face and bloody hands from where his nails had stick inside of his palms.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” he whispered, he didn’t know for what, but there was this urged to be forgiven, to fall on his knee until someone, anyone tell him he didn’t do anything wrong, but the voice answering him wasn’t the right one…

“Sshh it’s okay, Jungkookie, I’m here, it’s okay”

It wasn’t okay, because Jungkookie was death, Jungkookie wasn’t supposed to be, his appa had stopped calling him that years ago. And he knew why, now he knew why…

Jungkookie was death and with it, all of his hopes.

Words of comfort weren’t enough anymore, because Jungkook knew they were wrong, because he was broken now.

He was at a point of no return, he was broken.

Forever.


	3. Dark memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the second chapter, I didn’t had time to correct myself, so it’s the “raw” version, but I hope you will like it ^^  
> For the one who had a weak heart, I’m sorry, but you will have to cry with me in the next few chapters… (I prefere to warn you)  
> For this second chapter : prepare some tissuebox ☹
> 
> (the italic parts are the flashback)

Yoongi is panicking

He’s panicking since last week, the moment he found out that the file wasn’t where it was supposed to be.

He had an habit to look at it every other week, just to make sure his secret was still safe, a way to tell himself he still had a seem of control of his life, even when he knew that he never had any control. But seeing the file would always makes him feel better knowing that his deepest and darkest secret was still hidden.

But then the file wasn’t there, disappeared, gone leaving an empty place that was making him feel on edge.

Panic had covered his brain like fire the moment his eyes had caught the place the file was supposed to be, eyes wide looking everywhere and searching.

Deep inside he knew what had happened, his things hadn’t change placed, he knew who had taken it, and the knowledge was more frightening than ever

Not that he should be panicking, it’s a secret that was bound to see the light of day, but he wanted to be prepared mentally, he wanted to think of the right words, right way, wanted to sit the pup down, takes his hand in his maybe and say it with his own voice, calmly to not make the pup panic

he wanted to say it with his mouth not for it to be found out like a dirty secret even if it was one

Yoongi was many thing, he was cold hearted, a bad soul and maybe coward but he wasn’t a liar, he would never put the pup to this kind of pain, would have never want for the pup to know the truth, their thruth, like this.

And now here he was panicking and phone clutched in his hand waiting for any call since the moment he found the files wasn’t there, but no phone comes, instead, they were picture, of everything that Seoul would give, beautiful picture that make Yoongi feel better but not calm enough, because the question of “Did he see it” was balancing on his head like the sword of Damocles.

So he waited, heart clenching after every picture, stomach aching and making himself sick after every new days passing

A month pass then two, then three, maybe Yoongi should have say something, maybe he should have answer the picture, he should have called or gone to Seoul and take the file himself if the pup hadn’t open, after giving any excuse, the pup had always listened to him so he knew that if asked to not open it, the pup won’t, but Yoongi was afraid, afraid to say things that he would have to answer later

That’s why he couldn’t answer the call biting his nails to blood, hand trembling and livid, he couldn’t form any word in his head, afraid, fearing for the worse, fearing for the pup to hate him

But then the message stopped coming and with it, the silence of his phone comes

It was a heavy silence, the silence that anyone would avoid, the type that even Yoongi loving his quietness didn’t want around himself.

The house had started to feel with the same silence after that, heavy, covering every inch of the place like a cold blanket.

A silent that Yoongi hated.

Not another week passed before he found the files in his mailbox, without any note, closed with a tape that wasn’t there, and Yoongi knew of course he knew.

The worse was open now.

He didn’t have the courage to call Jungkook, didn’t had the courage to listen to his voice and Yoongi hated himself for it, he never wanted for this to happen. In his head, he knew that when the pup would found out his secret, there was bound to be a fight. Yoongi had years to think about the consequence, maybe the pup would turn away from him, maybe he would cry refusing to be approached by Yoongi or maybe he would turn his back forever from him. The pup was sensitive, had always been, and this sensitivity had always been Yoongi biggest fear.

Fear for himself to start something he didn’t had any control over, that’s why he couldn’t call, didn’t had the force to face the pup.

Deep inside, he was ashamed too. Hiding the truth had been the hardest over the years, he had thought that maybe years would makes It less burdensome, even easier maybe, but with time, he had felt the weight of it over his shoulders becoming heavier and heavier.

Even now, when it was out in the open, he couldn’t help but feel himself losing his sanity, everything he had built over the years becoming aches with each passing day with the silence of his phone.

He tried to give Jungkook some time, tried to wait for the pup to call him, but in the help, the pup never did, not after days, not after weeks, not even after an entire month.

Silence.

The worst kind of silence.

*

Yoongi hated what was happening.

For him, the message weren’t just pictures, it was for Yoongi a way to know that the pup was okay.

A way for himself to feel better even after knowing that his life was slowly falling apart.

In a sense he had wanted this silence all of his life, had wanted for the pup to live him alone, to leave the house after his majority and just leave Yoongi in his misery, but what was happening wasn’t the type of silence that Yoongi had ever asked for.

He started to hate home, because for the first time, Yoongi started to feel his absence, a feeling he never had thought to ever feel. Usually Jungkook would be the one to fill the quietness around, the one to laugh loudly, the one to show his presence, the one to live when Yoongi was just surviving.

And now Jungkook wasn’t there, not even in his phone.

And Yoongi wasn’t used to this emptiness, not from Jungkook

The pup was supposed to be lively, searching for him, searching for anything to sick Yoongi help or pass time with him, Yoongi wanted the pup to scream at him, to be angry, anything… but now Jungkook was gone, just gone, leaving a silence behind that felt to heavy in his chest.

To say the truth, it was exactly what he had always wanted, for the pup to be gone from his life, to forget about him and leave him alone, he had always wanted a life where the pup won’t be there to make him remember about his mistakes, but now that it had happened, Yoongi was restless.

He don’t know what to do, what to say and who to turn to.

His panic attack comes quicker and faster than before, his pills stopped working and his mind becoming out of control, everything started to fall around him without him being able to do anything, so much that he needed Jaebum to take the restaurant for him for a few day

Work wasn’t going as well as it was supposed to be, being the only owner of his restaurant, he couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t think straight even when he was trying and on top of that he had stopped going home completely, refusing to lock himself in a place that was starting to smell like death.

Where even Jungkook scent wasn’t there anymore.

He tried to work longer, even going so far as to close his restaurant himself and later than usual. At night, he would stay in the break room, laying in the only sofa he had put there in case his employee would feel sick, with for only cover his coat.

But sleep never come, and he started to pass days and night in a mindset he could not control.

His eyes didn’t wander on Jungkook room whenever he would come back to change his clothes or take a shower, the door had stayed closed, caging the pup scent that had long been gone in the rest of the house.

And with itcomes the silence of his phone

Alerting, dreadful, with thought full of fear and hate.

Because where Jungkook would always reach for him first, the pup silence covered everything and Yoongi didn’t like it, because there is no one to blame other than himself.

Because now that Jungkook is doing what Yoongi had always wanted, Yoongi can’t help but feel like a failure.

a failure, he was since the beginning, but this time it was like life wanted to show him how much.

The only positive thing was that Jungkook wasn’t there to see how much of a failure Yoongi really was.

*

It’s a month after the silence of his phone that Yoongi gather enough courage to call Jungkook.

But the phone ring and ring and ring and ring, until the voicemail is heard and Yoongi stop

He stops functioning, eyes dazed and glassy and lost in his memory.

Years ago.

*

_Min Yoongi was a broken soul, he was one since childhood but years of growing up and containing himself had makes him at least functioning enough to live in society._

_Growing up, he always thought that anything would broke him forever, he had this feeling deep inside that his life would be the one of a miserable person, of someone that could never really smile under a ray of sunshine._

_But all of those thought stopped when he met him._

_Meeting Seokjin was luck, pure luck and maybe a little bit of destiny._

_Yoongi was 19 when he met this alpha_

_One year older, with a distinct laugh and a smile that makes Yoongi feel all blushy and shy._

_Kim Seokjin was everything Yoongi had ever dream in an alpha, kind, smily and good with any omega but something in him makes Yoongi feel like Seokjin is a lot more than what his laugh and smile show._

_There is this softness in his words and smile that draw Yoongi instantly making him fall hard and fast._

_Kim soekjin is everything Yoongi is not, but the alpha doesn’t seem to mind Yoongi lackness, because he smile at him, laugh with him and sometime touch him subtly to not makes him uncomfortable but enough for Yoongi to want more._

_He was happy, Yoongi was happy, it was his most beautiful years, he gained a family when his own wasn’t there, he had someone to love that loved him back._

_Slowly, his head cleared of every bad thought of the past, he was living, he was alive, he was breathing and feeling the ray of sunshine of his skin, he was loving the warmness of the summer and the snow melting in winter. He was happy with someone that become his mate, he was happy with a belly full of their pup._

_He was truly, really happy._

_It was a bubble that he would have never thought would shatter one day, Yoongi had forgotten that he was a broken soul._

_And broken soul never stays happy for too long._

_It was like the universe wanted back what he had given._

_When he was a child, Yoongi had read somewhere that there was a rule of the universe to balance everything, a rule that say that every human should taste happiness as much as misfortune and it seems that his time had come to taste the other side of the coin._

_*_

_A few hours into the end of summer, he saw his world fall apart._

_It was like his destiny had called him back in the road of destruction._

_*_

_Yoongi life changed the day he become appa._

_For many it’s supposed to be normal, whose life didn’t change after their first child, it’s a new responsibility, a new person to take care of, a new life that any parents hold with care and wonder, but for Yoongi his life didn’t change for the better, but for the worst._

_The day the pup had decided to come to the world, it was two weeks before time and in the middle of the supermarket, the pain had started out of nowhere, people helping him and calling an ambulance, trying to calm his omega in distress that was asking for his mate_

_Someone had called Soekjin with his own phone, putting it in his ear and Yoongi had felt like crying, asking him to come, to be here, to feel and see the birth of their pup together._

_“I’m coming baby, I’m coming, I’m on the way” Seokjin panicked voice had said_

_And Yoongi nod, begging him to come quickly._

_But Seokjin never come_

_During the labor he felt a pain in his chest, sharp and cutting his airbags, it was like something being reaped from his soul, stopping his breathing for so long that his body had started to tremble._

_Then he felt it, so clearly, like a knife cutting his soul in half._

_The bond being broken_

_Everything passes in a blur._

_Strangers hands touching him everywhere, needle breaking his skin and scent souring, bad, his own scent that was making everything worse._

_the pain was so much that he was feeling himself slip in unconsciousness, with his pup still inside of him._

_His mate heartbeat was still ringing in the silence of the bond, his omega feeling everything even when his body seems to be too numb to catch on everything._

_But it was just the beginning of his fall, because the next moment, he felt it, his pup dying inside of his belly._

_He felt it, so clearly, his pup scent disappearing in a heartbeat replaced by a rotten one._

_The scent of death._

_*_

_He remembers opening his eyes to emptiness._

_He was surrounded by the void of life. His body, soul and heart were empty of everything._

_He wasn’t able to feel anything, his emotion, his thought, his heart, everything seems to be stopped in a timeline he couldn’t reach yet._

_Somewhere between the moment he opens his eyes and unconsciousness, he felt the need to cry but they were no tears in his eyes, and nothing to understand why he was feeling that way._

_There was just this deep sorrow attached to his soul, like it had always been there._

_His neck was pulsing, and his scent was gone._

_He was lost and alone in a place too white for his eyes and too empty for himself alone._

_He couldn’t remember anything other than this feeling taking over his entire body, in the back of his mind his omega was howling, asking for someone to hold in his arms, but Yoongi was lost, he just wanted to cry, cry and … stop thinking_

_There was no one to help him understand, he was alone, desperate and alone._

_Alone._

*

_When he wakes up again, he knew what happened, the bond was broken, his stomach empty and his omega was dead._

_He felt everything or rather the emptiness of everything._

_That day, after years of empty happiness, he cries. He cries curled on the hospital bed, mourned for his mate, for the lose of the only person he had ever been able to love._

_He could still feel the pain of the bond, like a shadow lurking over him, his soul hurt, his body hurt, and his heart… he couldn’t feel his heart…_

_That day he cried because he couldn’t do anything else._

_His body was still recovering from the labor making him impossible for him to move…_

Labor…

His baby, where is his baby ?!

His womb was flat, empty, his baby wasn’t there, he couldn’t smell him anywhere. His baby, his pup, where is his pup ?!

_He cry out, a bestial sound that he never knew he could be able to do, but he didn’t care, all he wanted was his baby to be in his arms, but strangely his omega didn’t do anything, he didn’t felt his omega, didn’t felt his desperation._

_And the quietness of his omega made him panic. But even then, he didn’t feel it, his instinct was death and with it his scent was gone._

_Completely._

_That day, he lost everything._

_His omega, his love, his baby, himself._

_He loses everything._

*

Jaebum voice startled him.

He blink his eyes many time before they settle on his friend. The alpha face was contorted in a worried that makes Yoongi hide his face and with it the tears that had gathered in his eyes.

It had become an habit, hiding his pain and sorrow, so far, he had been able to, but lately everything was slipping through his fingers, even his own life.

Worry kept him from sleeping at night and his stomach had started to refuse to contain any food, so much that he would pass days with only a coffee for food.

He had loose a lot of weight because of this, his cheeks had become hollow and his complexion livid, even dark circles had appeared under his eyes, but even his reflection in his mirror couldn’t makes him understand how bad his condition was falling.

Progressively, he lost the life he had work hard to keep in hand, he stopped working for a while, giving the restaurant to Jaebum, and staying at home where everything had started, he stopped talking to anyone, stopped the sun to enter the home, stopped living.

That’s when depression and dark thought takes over him.

In this maze that had become his head, he wanted to disappear.

He was ugly, Yoongi had always been ugly inside, but now everyone could see it.

Slowly, he started to loose focus too, Yoongi had a hard time listening to anyone, the voices around him was making him cower in himself, feeling small and weak.

In his head, he started to be somewhere else, years ago, in the hospital, laying down in a bed with his pup in his arm, and Seokjin was there, with him.

Seokjin was alive.

But he knew it was just empty wish, Yoongi knew that it was just his head playing with him, but he couldn’t help it, those lies was making him feel better in the darkness surrounding him.

But days after not leaving his bed and feeling the weight of his bad thought over his life, his eyes fall on the drawer, still open and showing him the empty place where the file should have been.

And he couldn’t continue, there was so much in his heart and head that years had piled up inside him that he needed to take out.

_He needed his pills_

He was feeling like a teenager again, running away from his life like when he was 17.

He was feeling like he was in this hospital bed again, when he had loose his mate and no one would listen to his sorrow.

He was feeling again like someone that had no one to turn to.

In those moment, where he was in his lowest, he would cry alone in the quietness of his room, at night when the pup would be fast asleep.

But this time, he needed to get out, he needed to leave, to be far away from his life, just the time to breath.

That’s why he was driving far away from Daegu, flying away past midnight with for only thing his car and phone.

That day, after years, he run away, far.

To breathe.

*

He ends up in Busan.

It had taken him a little more than an hour to stop by the ocean. The air was salty and the night too cold in his too thin coat, but the place had a calming effect that makes Yoongi tears stop slowly.

During the way, he had cried a lot, full of emotion that he couldn’t help but feel, everything had started to be just to much for him, past, present and future mixing in his head and making him feel everything he didn’t want.

On the way, he had leave a message to Jaebum, asking to keep the restaurant running for the next few days without saying anything else.

Sometimes, he would lose control of his own head, and the bad thought would takes over completely, it hadn’t happened since years where pills would do there work, but since Jungkook had leaved, he had stopped them.

He shouldn’t have, he knew it, but his head was too caught in the fact that his secret was out now, too focus on anything else, and here he was now.

Far away from home, running away.

He wasn’t planning to come here, but he wasn’t planning to go back home either.

Running away was something he knew too well. Teenager, he had often run away from his problem, from reality, from his life that wasn’t his at that time. When he was 17, he had leave his home and end up here in this same beach for an entire afternoon just to go back home again, it had been a good experience, his first taste of freedom, but this time it was like he was trapped.

Trapped in himself.

He stays outside hours, the cold had frozen his fingers, and his body had started to tremble, but he didn’t move from where he was sited. The sand under his fingers, he laid down, eyes focused on the dark sky. The moon was nowhere to be found, hidden behind clouds and the ocean was calm.

The beach was quiet expect for the wave dancing under the sky.

He stay awake until the ray of sunshine started to show, coming to caress his face even when he couldn’t feel their heat. At some point, early in the morning he let his eyes fall shut, feeling the ocean surrounding him and letting himself falls asleep in his dull quietness, he doesn’t remember falling asleep but when he wakes up, it was hours later.

The sun was shining brightly over him and the ocean had woken up.

It takes him a long moment before understanding where he was, passing his hand over his face to wake up completely and sighing deeply, it hadn’t been the first time for Yoongi to found himself somewhere else after loosing his mind, but it was the first time he had been so far away from home.

When his omega was still with him, he would have a semblance of control over his head, but since that day years ago, he had lost every control.

In the past years, he would stay around Daegu, afraid to be too far from Jungkook for when he would wake up alone in an empty house, but it seems that it wasn’t his worry anymore.

Standing up, he brushes the sand over his clothes and walk back to his car. Last night he hasn’t really been in a good mindset to parked it correctly, and he found it in the middle of two parking space.

Sitting behind the wheels, he breath deeply, his mind had never been clearer since weeks now, sleep had seemed to take off a little of his insanity at bay.

He warmed his frozen hands over the heater after starting his car, the warm air stopped his trembling a little, making him sag against his sit and breathe deeply after closing his eyes.

It takes him a long moment to open his eyes again, he was tired, too tired to drive again, so he stay there, eyes lost in the ocean appearing as far as his eyes could see, the sight was calming. Letting him forgot that soon he would have to jump back in his life and face the reality.

Busan had always this effect on him, even after years.

At some point, he takes his phone from the back sit, he had turn it off to be left alone but was regretting it when he found dozen and dozen of calls from the same unknown number. There was voicemail and an only message.

“Hello sir, I’m …”

The screen was cut by the number being on display, calling again.

He takes the call hesitantly, trying to sound neutral when he had started to feel nervous by the insistence of whoever was trying to reach for him.

The voice that answer was of a male, soft and high, but at that moment all Yoongi could hear was fear.

“Are you mr. Kim ? Jungkook appa ?” said the voice, hesitant, voice wavering to the pup name that makes Yoongi nervous.

“I am…” he answers, fear taking over his entire being when he hears the other sigh in relief, there was a silence, short but heavy enough to put Yoongi on edge.

Then comes words that would stay in Yoongi mind forever.

“Jungkook needs you”

_*_

_Yoongi isn’t able to understand what is happening, doctors where talking to him, surrounding him, trying to makes him understand that the baby placed in his arms was his._

_But it wasn’t true, couldn’t be true._

_It was a week after his labor, a week he passed unconscious mostly, away from anyone, a week he passed crying and refusing to see anyone._

_But it seems like an eternity had passed considering that everyone seems different. Nana, Seokjin mother was here to, smiling with tears in her eyes, nodding when he looks at her for help._

_But she didn’t listen, no one listen to him when he tried to give the baby back._

_Everything was going to fast, one moment he was laying down with his hand over his stomach to feel the ghost of his belly, the second moment a baby was there._

_A baby too small to be his own, who smelled wrong, and seems too fragile, who opened his too wide eyes to look at him with the same sadness that Yoongi was looking at him, it was wrong_

_wrong wrong wrong_

_How could they lie like that to him ? how could they pretend to give him his own baby when he had felt so clearly his pup die in his own belly ?!_

_“where is my pup, this is not mine, where is my pup ?” all he wanted was to all least see the body of his own pup, to say his last goodbye, to see him…_

_“it’s yours Yoongi, the test where just wrong, your pup looks like seokjin, see ?” Seokjin mother, Nana said, tearing up, before broking down in front of him._

_And it’s wrong, it’s wrong, because the pup isn’t his own._

_His scent isn’t the one he carried for nine months, his omega could sense it, this baby wasn’t his. How could they reject his instinct ?!_

_But no one listen, no one not even Nana who looks at him with pity, but Yoongi wasn’t crazy, he wasn’t in shock, he wasn’t rejecting the pup, because the pup wasn’t his own._

_He wanted to cry out, to scream and fight, but he was still heeling, and his omega and scent where nowhere for the doctors to understand he wasn’t lying_

_This pup had a woody scent, not a soft lavender one like the one he had carried, this pup… wasn’t Seokjin and his progeniture._

_He had cried, refusing to take the baby in his arm, refusing and just wanting to be left alone, but then one of the doctors said “post traumatic sequel from losing his mate” and Yoongi stopped._

_He stopped crying, stopped everything, because he wasn’t crazy, he didn’t need a doctor, he wasn’t crazy, they were all lying, nana, his father in law, the doctors and nurses, they were all lying._

_He knew it, his omega knew it, and the baby in his arm seems to know it too._

_The baby is the first one to reject him, refusing to stay in his arms, refusing to be comforted or even touched by Yoongi._

_The pup and him were the only one to know the truth._

_That’s how the pup enter his life, how Jungkook become his own without being one._

_*_

_When Yoongi enter his house after coming back from the hospital, now too big for him alone, he’s surrounded by Seokjin scent, caging him and making him feel all the repressed desperation of the past week._

_And he broke down._

_He broke down in the entrance of his home, with the pup still in his arms._

It was his first fall.

_Seokjin was death, a car accident caused by driving too fast, he was death because Yoongi had been too impatient._

_He had killed them, both their pup and his mate, he had killed them…_

_Killed, Yoongi was a killer._

_He had cried with the baby asleep against his chest, trying to be quiet until he find enough strength to leave the pup in a crib that wasn’t supposed to be his,_

_He cried and scream until there was no tears left, until all he could do was to takes the crying pup in his arm to feed him with a milk that wasn’t supposed to be for him._

_The baby wasn’t his pup, but the baby wasn’t a replacement either._

_As much as he tried to keep him, to feed him, the milk he was giving him wasn’t supposed to be for him, slowly the pup seems to takes over his days and night, and Yoongi didn’t want to._

_He was alone, left to himself, he didn’t know what to do without his omega to follow, he was lost, broken and alone, he didn’t know anything, he needed help , anyone, raising a pup that wasn’t his was hard without his instinct, he had no one to turn to_

_No one._

_What he needed was to mourn, to cry and scream for the loss of his mate, he needed to bask in his mate clothes and breath the memory of his scent, he needed to be alone, he needed his omega to comeback to show him the right way._

_But he couldn’t, the pup couldn’t leave him alone, his cries and scream refused to be quiet down, and Yoongi knew._

_He knew that the pup was crying for his own mother, but Yoongi couldn’t do anything, they were two in this story_

_Two broken soul._

_The happy bubble had popped._

_Cruel world_

*

There had been many things over the years that Yoongi regretted.

Mating with Seokjin had been one of them, because if he haven’t, if Yoongi haven’t let his emotion and feeling take over him, Seokjin would have still been alive.

It was one of his biggest regret.

He regretted many other things too and would probably regret many more in the future.

But there was one thing he never regretted, it was to fall in love with Seokjin, to love him completely and with his whole heart, even today.

Yoongi would have never thought that someone broken and so low like him would have been able to fall in love, Yoongi had ever thought that love was something reserved for people that deserve it, that cupid make the good people fall for each other and leave the bad one aside and Yoongi was a bad person.

Maybe that’s why he never regretted to bear Seokjin child, never regretted to takes over his restaurant that the alpha had created himself, and never regretted to name Jungkook by the name Seokjin had chosen for their own pup.

It was his way to show that he would always love him, that Yoongi, even the bad soul would always stay loyal and grateful of his mate no matter what.

The past years had been hell for him, but he had done everything for them to be the less painful for Jungkook, he had tried to be the father Seokjin would have wanted him to be.

But now that he was thinking about it, he hasn’t been a good father, he hasn’t even been a good person. Because all he had done was to think of himself.

Egoist and selfish, like the bad soul he was.

He had tried to be the less lovable possible, tried to show the pup how the world was cruel, tried to make the pup hate him. It was his way to protect him for when he would find out the truth about his birth.

A way for Yoongi to makes the pup the less heartbroken possible, he wanted him to be cold-hearted and strong, and cruel like the life had been to the pup, he wanted for Jungkook to understand that life was a bitch.

But Yoongi had forgotten that Jungkook wasn’t like any other pup.

Yoongi didn’t mean for thing to fall, all he was waiting for was for the right time to come, but it never did and here he was now, becoming another wound in the pup life.

Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please, leave a comment !


	4. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta readen, i'm sorry :(

Waking up in a dark room had become a habit for Jungkook, he was used to draw his curtain, switch off his lights and lie down in a fetal position under his sheets. When he was younger, he liked to be surrounded by pillows, to feel them around his small body, like a small cocoon protecting him from the outside world. Growing up, he had lost this habit, but now the memory of it was making him feel exposed.

The room seemed too big around him, too empty, too cold.

His body was trembling, but Jungkook didn’t know if it was from the cold night, or the memory of his earlier broke down. He wanted those pillows to be here, to be surrounded by heat and maybe arms, he wanted to be hugged, to felt loved, just for a bit.

He wanted to feel safe and protected.

He could be used to dark room and closed door, but tonight, he was feeling claustrophobic, like the walls were closing on him, making him feel smaller and weaker, being crushed between them, like at any moment he could disappear.

It wouldn’t be a bad idea considering that no one wanted him in this world.

Words and image were still dancing in front of his eyes, heavy, painful and angry, so so angry that he could still feel their sadness.

It was a few hours after his breakdown, hours that he passed head in Hoseok thigh, trying to breath and regain a semblance of consciousness, it had been the worst hours of his life, where life, memory and fear had melted together, where he was no one and had no one.

Jungkook had never felt this feeling, of being alone completely, to have no one and just be lonely in the middle of a thousand and hundreds of people.

Growing up, his “coming back home” had always been his father, when he would cry, laugh, smile or even be sad, his appa would be the center of his attention, his life had always turned around his appa, as far as going to promise himself to always stay by his side.

But now it was like this desire, this wish of a lost child, had been ripen from his chest leaving behind a hollow in his heart.

A hollow that everyone could see.

The only person that he belonged to, the only one who belong to him, wasn’t his anymore and Jungkook couldn’t … couldn’t… live knowing it.

A sob reap from his throat, sudden in the deep silence of the night, a sob that wracked his body in a heartbeat, making him roll in a ball and hid further in his sheets. He needed to cry, to cry and scream and just let go of everything that was inside him, but he had already cried so much all those hour that even tears weren’t doing anything to quit his agony.

“Sssshhhh it’s okay Jungkook, you’re okay.”

He jumped to sudden hand combing his hair, it was still Hoseok, sweet Hoseok that wasn’t even Jungkook friend, Hoseok, whose mate Jungkook had pushed away and probably hurt without meaning to.

“T-tae…”

“He’s okay, Tae is okay, he can’t see you for now, your wolf can be still sensitive.”

“I’m s-sorry…”

“It’s okay, you can say it to Tae when you are better, rest for now…”

He didn’t want to, sleep had become his nightmare whenever he would cry, dream filled with nightmare would fill his night and dark thought his mornings, but he didn’t want to see the undeserved worried gaze of the older alpha, so he closed his eyes, face hiding in his pillow, trying to forget what had happened, what he had read.

Trying to forget how his life had been broken.

Just for a night.

*

Pretend that everything is ok is hard, harder when he needs to take back his life where he had left it yesterday when everything seems different.

In the morning he barely stops his hand from taking his phone to take pictures, eyes closing to stop the tears from falling.

Taehyung isn’t there to see him broke down again, so he let himself cry, silent and trying to regain himself for his classes.

He’s desperate for someone to tell him that nothing is true, that the files, the medical report, the ultrasound and picture are all a bad joke and nothing were true, but the moment he goes to his room to take his bag and see the files still where he had let it drop, he can’t help but take it in his hands again, trembling and white from clutching the papers.

Can’t help btu read it again a second time and shredding his own heart again.

*

After that day where he found his world being upside down, Jungkook couldn’t smile, couldn’t talk unless being asked something, wouldn’t be able to when any voice refused to leave his lips.

He can’t look at anyone in the eyes for too long either, afraid of anyone able to read him or see what he wanted so desperately to just forget.

Classes aren’t the same, this time he goes because he had to, not because he wanted to impress someone.

He filled the void of his heart with sound, with music, with anything that could make his pain a little better, even for a few moments.

Contrary to his head who’s empty and hollow of any thought. He found himself often with his gaze lost in the universe, where no one seems to be able to reach him.

Slowly he falls.

He falls so deep in this darkness that he doesn’t know if he can come out of it ever again.

He never felt this sadness before, but little by little it seems like a part of him, slowly sipping trough his heart and taking home there like it had always been à part of his being.

He isn’t able to stop the tears falling at night, always ending up sobbing with his pace on the pillow to muffle any sound.

Silently, like he was used to.

Some days, he ends up falling asleep in the couch after trying to stay awake all night. The nightmares had started to fill his nights whenever he would sleep for more than a few hours. In the morning he would always avoid Taehyung worry gaze, leaving the dorms earlier than needed and would just walk to the campus, wanting nothing more than to be left alone.

In the next few days after his breakdown, it’s like he need to rewrite his own life. He don’t avoid anyone, but he can’t make himself meet people, he don’t avoid the few friends he had makes, but he try to be busy, to work on his essay, to takes a few more hour at work, to run along the city at night to postpone the moment he would need to sleep.

Slowly, laughing, smiling, being happy is just a forgotten memory, and as slowly, the desire to die comes to life.

He wants to die.

It’s a thought that comes a few weeks after that day, a thought so clear and present that it makes him stop for a second in his new routine.

The thought is foreign but oh so welcoming, he never felt like this before, like wanting to disappear completely, to be nothing but ashes and not feel anything that the wind on his face.

He wants to die.

A thought so true and appealing that it makes him afraid of himself.

Because he had no one, because his appa wasn’t his, because he was never wanted.

Because he had never been loved.

*

For Jungkook who had seek for any attention from his appa, for any love and validation from this only person, knowing suddenly that this person had never and would probably never love him despise his effort was like a knife being planted in his heart.

All those year he thought that maybe, his appa hadn’t want him to be born, that he was a fruit of an unwanted partner or maybe, his other father had makes something for his appa to hate him, but it was thought foreign and strange and still far far away for him.

Just empty thought that would pass his mind from time to time.

But Jungkook wasn’t blind, at 15 he participated at the end of year competition to be met with the absence of his appa, he knew deep down that he wasn’t in the top priority of his appa thought, but it hadn't upset him any less.

His appa were never present for those important day, had never come for his graduation and never really ask how his day was going, but in the end of many rejection, his appa would always made a big meal and path his shoulder like a forgiveness and Jungkook would always be happy to at last received this attention, but deep down he knew.

He knew that somewhere, his appa just didn’t like him.

Growing up, it gives him idea like, was he conceived accidentally ? Was he the fruit of extra marital relationship ? was he the reason why his appa had always been alone ?

Because all those years his appa had never talk about his other father so Jungkook couldn’t help but think and think and think.

At some point he accepted, that some children aren’t conceived with love, and would drink with avidity any touch of love his appa would show him.

Jungkook had become a starved man for love, but he didn’t care, because in the end his appa hadn’t abandoned him, that was why he never try to reach for his appa touch, didn’t ask more than he should, didn’t do anything that could makes his appa hate him.

He would be the best boy, with the best behaviors, the best result in classes to makes his appa proud.

He wasn’t unhappy, even if sometimes his head would play with him with bad thought, but he had never been sad because at the end of the day even when his daddy would hurt him ten time, a single path on the shoulder would be enough to erase every single sad thought.

But now… now that he knew the truth…

Now that he knew he wasn’t even his appa child, it was like all of those bad thought and fear were coming back to life. It was his hope of being loved even a little, being crushed in dirt.

When he had seen the medical report of his supposed birth and read how the baby was supposed to be an omega, for a second he had thought that maybe it was the reason why his appa had always been so indifferent of him, expecting a gender to have another one was always hard for any parent and for a second Jungkook had feel anger toward his appa, because in the end it wasn’t his fault if he was born an alpha, biology wasn’t in his control.

But then he read more, an omega, a girl omega with a lavender scent, everything Jungkook was not.

In middle school Jungkook had learn that pups carry the same scent than their omega parent at first, a scent that would change briefly until their presentation depending on their own gender, and Jungkook had always thought that at least he would always carry a piece of his appa scent all of his life.

But it wasn’t the case, because his own scent wasn’t anything close to lavender, it was woody, earthy, nothing like lavender.

Jungkook had been forced to understand the truth.

He wasn’t his appa pup. They had nothing in common. He wasn’t his biological child.

He wasn’t Kim Jungkook, Kim Yoongi wasn’t his appa, he wasn’t born at the date his certificate was made, he wasn’t… Jungkook.

But then who was he ?

It was the question haunting him the past few weeks

Who was he ?

Did he had no one ? does that mean that he didn’t had anyone that wait for him ? who love him ? who care for him ? was he completely alone ?

That’s when Jungkook felt something in him broke inside.

Like a mirror that could never be put together.

Shattered forever.

That day, a piece of him died.

*

Slowly with days he understood why his appa had always been so distant, why caress, hugs, words of encouragement or even his appa presence were always so empty, so far in between, so … silent.

He understood and Jungkook hated himself for not realizing it before.

For hoping something that was bound to never happen in the first place.

*

It was strange how Jungkook could remember just now what he hadn’t seen before.

Or what he had refused to acknowledge before.

All of the time he didn’t understand, remembering the sad Christmas, the empty Chuseok, his lost birthday, the half hug, the quit path over his shoulder, the avoided gaze and the absence.

Absence of love.

Of care.

The absence of life.

*

When he sends the files back, it’s his way to say Goodbye.

_“I understand”_

_“I won’t bother you anymore”_

_“I’m sorry for everything”_

_“I know now”_

_“You don’t need to pretend anymore.”_

*

He stops sending any message, stop thinking about his appa, stop thinking about home, stop wanting to go back to a place that had never been his.

He starts to live without living.

*

He’s quiet the next few weeks, quitter than before. In his movement, his breath, his thinking, he doesn’t come out to eat dinner or breakfast, skip meals sometimes because he can’t keep them inside.

In class, he tries to sit far away from anyone, avoiding his friends, his teacher’s eyes, even the ringing of his phones that he end up switch off, forgotten in one of his drawer.

He avoids anyone.

Even when Taehyung seems to cheer him up, he can’t smile, can’t laugh, can’t look at the pain of the omega eyes, instead he looks in the void, empty.

Empty of anything.

Even his soul.

Slowly he’s filled with the same quietness he grew up with, the silence that weighed and cover his entire childhood.

It’s like a vicious circle, as if the history repeats itself, like life had wanted him to understand what this silent means and now he knew.

Silent means desperation.

The desperation to cry and not being heard by anyone.

It means loneliness in world filled with millions of soul.

Even his tears are silent in the moonlight, tears striping down and getting lost in his hairline, silent like his thought.

Like death.

*

It’s near a month later that he finally cry with all his heart, wracked sob leaving his lips and face in his pillow to muffle them.

It doesn’t work because he feels Taehyung hand in his back and another in his hair and it seems enough to makes him turn to the omega and hug him desperately.

It’s like the past months had been just bottling up and breaking completely in the need for comfort, so he cries, scream, tremble and let all of his walls down, asking for nothing more than salvation.

He want to apologize for something he don’t know, to fall on his knee and ask to be held forever, he want his appa here, to pass his hand in his hair a last time, he want to be someone to tell him that everything would be always the same.

He wants to apologize to not be strong enough, to not be an alpha, to not be death in the place of his appa pup.

He should have been the one to die.

Jungkook isn’t able to control his lips when all those words fall from his lips, he doesn’t even know that their falling, doesn’t feel the foreign tears falling on his hair, doesn’t feel the Omega crying with him and hugging him closely.

Because Jungkook is still lost in his despair, crying, because it’s the only thing he can do, the only taste of freedom he’s able to taste lately.

It takes him hours maybe before calming down, until his body isn’t able to hold all of his feeling and give up, falling asleep with tears still leaving his eyelid.

Leaving the omega behind, awake and unable to find any sleep that night.

*

After that, it’s like nothing had happened.

Jungkook doesn’t cry again, doesn’t keep himself awake and doesn’t try to avoid Taehyung. In the contrary, he sleeps earlier, trembling and sweeting every night after every nightmare, but he doesn’t try to avoid them, doesn’t let his tears fall whenever he would wake up shivering.

He keeps any feeling bottled deep inside him and closed himself as much as he could, accepting to go anywhere Taehyung bring him, because he know that pretending to be okay would makes the omega feel better after he saw him broke down like a weak person, but he isn’t fooling anyone, his scent, normally woody and fresh is covered by a smoky one, like ashes.

What he does avoid, is discussion, he leaves anyone that try to ask how he is.

He doesn’t talk to his friend again and they don’t try to approach him either, Hoseok and Taehyung are enough, Jungkook didn’t need anyone to feel sorry for him, he wanted other to live their life and forget about his existence, so he goes to party, to coffee, smile when he needed to, a pull of his lips that look more of a grimace than anything but it’s all he could do, he laugh when he need to, strange and awkward. He do everything a student should do, but at night, even when his body and mind can't keep up, he refuse to cry, silent and invisible tears flowing down his cheeks.

Slowly, he become a new Jungkook, that isn’t really himself, isn’t really living, but a Jungkook who’s here, present, smiling and caring for the people around him.

He feel alone, in a big wide world where family and bond reign the society, he fell completely alone

During that time, he didn’t drink, didn’t approach any omega, didn’t try to be something stupid, because even when he know that he isn’t a Kim anymore, old habit dies hard. But truth is, even if he wanted to, Jungkook couldn’t broke the promises he made to his appa.

Inside, he was still the small lost child that needed guidance.

*

He fill his body with suppressant, refusing any future rut, it’s not because he didn’t accept his status, but he don’t need to be an alpha, he don’t need anything other than to be left alone. Jungkook had never thought to mate, neither to have a partner ever, so he don’t want any rut that would force him to take a random omega.

Jungkook doesn’t need anything from anyone.

He never had a real rut yet, but it doesn’t stop him from taking pills after pills in a too short time, making his body fall sick and vomit everything the next week, but he don’t regret it when he doesn’t feel any rut approaching.

Slowly, pills after pills, his mind seems like a cotton candy, fuzzy, lost in maze that he isn’t able to leave, it’s like after suppressing a rut, he’s falling faster, like jumping from the hills in an ocean filled with darkness, but he doesn’t care.

Not when slowly he felt better, enough that reality isn’t just slipping through his fingers.

He stops avoiding his own reflection, that would show him how much he doesn’t looks like his appa, show him how the truth was in front of his eye every morning all of those years but he didn’t see it.

*

Depression come slowly sipping trough his pore and taking over his heart and brain, it’s like a cold blanket covering him, it’s cold.

Everything is cold.

*

Hoseok is the first one to see that something is wrong.

It start one day when he drop by their apartment to found an empty dorm, the alpha would come often, mostly to makes sure Taehyung wasn’t feeling down, since everything started with Jungkook, the omega was often in a sad mood not being able to be his cheerful self when all he wanted was for the younger alpha to be okay.

Jungkook had never talk to them and Hoseok had didn’t mind, giving the pup time for himself to open up to them if he needed to, but Taehyung, being a brother of many siblings, wasn’t used to this quietness, to those many tears and sour scent filling the apartment.

Hoseok had seen many times his mate trying to sooth Jungkook, by hugging him or making him smile, but in the end, it never worked.

He didn’t know what had happened, but lately Jungkook would search for their comfort, often come shyly to them to ask for a hug or sometime cuddle in their small couch and let them play with his hair, and Hoseok feeling a brotherly pull toward the younger, never rejected him.

The younger alpha never talked during those moment, never smile or laugh with them and had always the same dead and lost eyes since that days weeks ago, but at least he wasn’t rejecting them and for now it was enough for Hoseok to know that he wasn’t losing his friend.

He can tell that whatever is bugging Jungkook is still always in his mind, the younger is never completely with them, but he don’t force him, instead he pass his hand in his hair something that makes the younger always hug him tighter, searching for this small contact that him and Taehyung always gives him willingly.

It was one of those day, when Hoseok would drop by to make sure everything was okay, the apartment was empty, filled with the dull scent of an anxious alpha. Like he had been here hours ago.

Hoseok had stayed in their kitchen, trying to find something to eat for their return, Taehyung had takes the bad habit to not eat when Jungkook wouldn’t, so Hoseok had take the mission to makes them both takes at least two meals every day, a way for his alpha to feel better, knowing his mate and friend were taken care of.

He was cutting the veggies when he heard him, voice small and sleepy, appearing just behind him without any noise or scent.

Without a scent.

Jungkook was there, rubbing his eyes and trying to wake up from what it seems his nap. He was there when the apartment was supposed to be empty.

It takes Hoseok a long moment to realize that he couldn’t smell Jungkook, his scent was gone, completely, like Jungkook wasn’t there.

“Jungkook” his voice, worry and fear make the younger looks up, eyes wide.

“Are you okay ? are you sick ?” his question was everything but subtle, but his mind was running, instinct and nose trying to catch at least a little of his scent.

Without any success.

“No ?” comes the pup hesitant voice “I’m okay hyung.”

He wasn’t, Hoseok could see how dark circles had appeared under his eyes, how he seems more livid than usual, how his eyes were duller and his smile a little strained.

He wasn’t okay and Hoseok would be damned to let it slide this time.

“Jungkook, you look a little sick.”

“I’m fine hyung, just tired…” the younger said, trying to sooth his hyung with nonchalance and maybe restraint, voice small and eyes not meeting his.

“I’ll rest more” he tried to leave the room, after taking a bottle of water, and no matter how he was moving around Hoseok couldn’t…

“I can’t smell you” he blurts out, frowning and worried, it makes the younger stop in his track, turning around with wide eyes.

“You can’t smell me?”

“I can’t, you scent is gone, I didn’t smell you when I enter, I thought I was alone” there is something in the younger eyes, terrified and lost and hurt and afraid but he don’t say a word.

“I … I’ll go to a doctor.”

*

He doesn’t need to.

For him who grew with his appa not carrying any scent, he thought for a second that maybe it was something running in the family until he remember they weren’t from the same family.

*

The doctor trip is quick, because all he do is wait in the waiting room before running away, not that he isn’t worried too, but he’s afraid to be asked question of which he isn’t able to answer yet.

He know that the loss of his scent isn’t normal, that it’s due to his alpha being hurt or something like that, he had done enough internet search in the past years to understand why his.. appa didn't had a scent, to know enough, but he know too that he can’t open about anything that had happened in the past few months to anyone.

Except to his appa.

He had promised himself to never contact him again, but in the end, the only person he can turn to is his appa, so in the next week end, he takes the first train to Daegu early in the morning to stay just a few hour, he doesn’t call before coming fearing for the phone to ring and ring and ring, and don’t say anything to his roommate either.

In reality, he just had this need to talk, to see his appa and maybe say sorry, that it wasn’t his fault, _please don’t leave me please…_

But when he opens main door, he’s met with an empty house, the fridge hadn’t been filled in a long time and everything seems messy like his appa wasn’t leaving there anymore.

The walls don’t carry his appa presence and even his bed sheet hadn’t been changed since the day he left and the files...

The files is in the same envelope he had send it.

Appa wasn’t there anymore, appa had abandoned him.

*

Scent are familiar, they means comfort, warmness, they are like the medication of any pain.

A child would always turn to his mother scent to find comfort, a mate would scent his other one to feel better, a person would always find himself safe in his friend scent.

Familiar, warm, comfort.

It was the contact that any person needed to feel complete, to feel better, to feel a semblant of belonging.

So not having a scent was distressing, lost, confusing, it was like being in a world fool of voice when you would be the only one deaf.

It wasn’t unheard of, but it was feared, a lot.

Because not having a scent was worse than not having any other of your sense, it was some said worse than death itself.

It was like not belonging to anyone, like not having a family.

A place called “home”

In a sense, Jungkook was alone, he didn’t had any biological parents, at least no one he knew of, and he wasn’t loved either, he didn’t had a home to comeback and wasn’t planning to make his own family either, so losing his scent wasn’t something he had been afraid of.

It was more like the last piece of his own puzzle, the matching piece.

But it was unsettling, a lot, like being an animal in cage and being shown like a trophy in a zoo.

People had started to turn to him in the street, like he was a circus freak.

He wasn’t normal anymore, for a moment he had thought that after turning the page, after giving his appa what he wanted, the tranquility he wanted, Jungkook would live a poor life of loneliness and that’s it, he would die somewhere alone and lonely without anyone if he don’t kill himself before.

But then people started to turn to him wherever he would go, looking at him wide fear, disgust and sometime like Jungkook wasn’t more than the dirt of their shoes.

Like Jungkook was the problem.

*

Jungkook worse fear was to be rejected by the people he loved, it was deep, starting when he was a child, when he was in middle school and kids in his class would laugh at him because he just had one parent, he had felt small under their finger pointing at him mockingly like knife.

All he needed was for his father to turn to him, to look at him in the eyes and say “it’s okay, you’re doing well”

But his appa never did, and Jungkook yearned for it.

Love Jungkook had learn was something that even if you fight for it, could not be granted.

Because his appa had never love him and so Jungkook stopped living.

He didn’t need to live, he didn’t have a dream, didn’t had anything to live for, he was alone, without a friend, without a love, without expectation, just another soul to walking on this earth.

The day before day everything falls apart, he thought

_Maybe if I die, appa would be happy, when people die in movies even the villain verse some tears, yeah… maybe I should die too…_

He didn’t think that sometimes god grant even the worse wishes.

*

Things don’t stop there.

The pain in his chest should have been the first sign.

Sharp and piercing, cutting his chest in two. A pain that makes his heartbeat stop for a second and his breath ach in his throat.

Fingers clutching to the hallway walls to not fall.

Eyes blurring in unshed tears.

Mind dizzy, too dizzy for him to stay upright.

And then he falls, legs giving out and body falling completely.

*

Taehyung found Jungkook in the middle of their apartment corridor, with no scent, no breathing, not a sign of living.

And livid like death.

*

_1 October 1997_

_It’s a month since he had the baby, a month of barely being alive._

_Yoongi didn’t leave his apartment since he comeback from the hospital, didn’t see anyone either, lost in the gaze of the baby that doesn’t seem to leave him alone._

_Nana had tried to call him, but he had pull out the electric wire of the phone from the wall. The apartment was always filles with silence, when the baby won’t cry his heart out or when Nanna or anyone else won’t bother to knock at his door._

_The baby, who still don’t had a name, refuse to let him get close if not to feed or change him, refuse him as an omega or person, and Yoongi… don’t know what to do._

_He’s alone, without a mate, without anyone, but at least his mate scent is still everywhere lingering in the clothes, the sheets, the walls._

_A memory of a lost one, and it hurt._

_It hurt so bad._

_At some point he knows that his head would takes over him, that at some point his old demon would resurface, that’s why he decide to do something for the baby, to give him a better future than with someone as broken as him._

_That’s why he did what he did._

_It was early morning when he put the baby in the temple steps._

_The place was frequented a lot, a Yoongi knew that the baby would be taken care of quickly, but it hadn’t stop him from wrapping the baby in is his warmest sweater, making sure that cold won’t affect him until then._

_He didn’t makes any prayer, couldn’t with what he was about to do, the shame, guilt was making his head bow in shame and heart filled with sadness._

_But it was his only way._

_“Be happy, pretty baby, you have to be happy for the both of us…” he whispers, low, trembling, with silent tears stripping down his cheeks and trembling lips that dropped a light kiss on the baby warm cheeks._

_When he turn around, it was cold, his hands were freezing, and his heart tightening like ice, he walk a long moment, small step that stop when his legs couldn’t move anymore, he let himself falls on his knee, hand coming to hide his crying face._

_The cry were loud, not his, but from the baby too, he could hear them, loud, too loud, like a reminder of what he was doing, like the baby knew, the baby was blaming him for his wrongdoing, it was a scream that would hunt him forever._

_Because it was his fault._

_He had abandoned him first._

*

Siren of the ambulance.

Rush in the hospital and empty corridor.

Closed door to trembling hands

And heart…

Worried and beating heart.

*

The wait is what makes everything worse.

The wait for the doctors to come out, for the doors of the ICU to open, for Jungkook father to come.

The wait to know what had happened.

Taehyung had never been a patient person, waiting wasn’t something he could do, and it wasn’t helping that he was panicking and trembling from everything that had happened tonight.

He was pacing in the long corridor for Hoseok to come, biting his nail and tear in his eyes that he refused to let fall, his hands were trembling, stomach in a tight knot and throat refusing to let any sound out, but he refused to cry, because Jungkook was okay, he would be okay.

He needed to be okay

The omega had grew up in a large family, with lot of cousin and brother and sister, he had grew in voices and laugh with nothing but noise, but coming to Seoul to live alone in four walls with nothing but your own self had been too hard, in the beginning he would miss his family, cry some night and stay out others nights in some bars and club just to be around people.

He had search for a roommate since day 1 and had seen many of them staying a few weeks and always leaving because of his clingy and loud nature.

Jungkook would have been one of them, he was calm, a little shy, but he had this aura that makes Taehyung melt and wanting to spoil him, with Jungkook, the omega felt the same pull toward Jungkook than with his own brother and sister.

He knew that they weren’t as close as he wanted to, Tae barely knew the pup, and Jungkook seems too shy to open up, but the omega was ready to be patient, he tried to be friendly, to pass time with him, loving how the kid would blush and smile and laugh making the omega instinct calm down, everything was going well and for once, Taehyung was happy to found a new friend, until that day happened.

He never found out what had exactly trigger Jungkook panic, and had never been able to ask the pup anything, but after that Jungkook started to avoid him, and it hurt.

He knew that sometimes, he was too clingy, too cuddly, too loud, that often his scent would bee to sweet for some alpha. He knew that he wasn’t the type of person that could be loved by anyone and he had tried to apologize in his own way, by being quitter and giving the younger his space, because for once, Taehyung wanted his new friend to stay.

“Don’t take it to heart baby, he just need time, it’s not your fault.” Hoseok had said one night after hugging a crying Taehyung. “we don’t know what happen sweety, stop thinking it’s your fault.” making Taehyung pout sadly.

He knew, he understands, but his omega couldn’t, it was hard for his instinct to follow his mind.

But he tried, giving the pup space, it worked at some point, Jungkook come around, let him hug him, even ask for contact and cuddles, and Taehyung had never been so happy.

But he regretted.

Regretted to not have asked what was wrong, regretted to be selfish and thought for his own comfort.

When he found the younger lying on the floor, livid and not breathing, he regretted not caring more, not seeing signs that could show something was wrong.

He was panicking when he called an ambulance, heart beating and tears in his eyes, voice trembling in words that were falling on his lips too quickly.

It was hard to see medics taking him away, hard to not being able to understand what was happening, all he could do was call Hoseok in a broken voice “H-hobi…” and broke down.

*

A nurse had come out after hours. Rushing and eyes hard.

“Are you close friend with the patient ? Brother or mates ?”

“No” he said, voice trembling with his hand clutching to Hoseok shirt, standing by his side, hugging him and scenting him as much as public place were allowing him to.

“We need someone close to him, a parent, a mate, a sibling, someone whose scent he could recognize as his own.”

“I’m trying to get hold of his father.” Taehyung said, eyes wide and phone clutching to his chest.

“We can’t wait, we need a recognizable scent now.”

*

It’s a long night, the longer they had ever experienced, the phone ring, the wait is prolonged, no one come out, no one goes in.

It’s like during those hours, they are in another timeline, suspended, where heartbeat can change an entire life.

*

Taehyung refuse to cry, but tears fall anyway.

The calls where many and the silence as much.

*

It’s early in the morning when Jungkook father pick up the phone, Taehyung is sleeping with his head in Hoseok shoulder.

The man voice is small, hesitant and gravely like not being used a lot, but not sleepy and Hoseok doesn’t wait, telling him everything he knew about Jungkook. “I’ll send you the address of the hospital.”

The men strangely had been quiet all along.

*

_He tried to not get back, if he leaves now, no one would know what he had done, no one will know how he had abandoned a baby in the middle of the street._

_Yoongi would move out and jump from the ocean far away, would be forgotten, and die in peace after a life he didn’t want, but his legs aren’t working, and his mind is refusing to leave…_

_He can’t…_

_He can’t abandon someone who didn’t ask to be here…_

_He doesn’t know why, don’t know why his legs take him back to the temple, why he takes the crying pup back in his trembling arms, why without having a scent he tries to scent the pup._

_He doesn’t know anything, but he cries, scream and ask for forgiveness, for pity from the deity._

_He cry, alone with for only support a baby in his arm._

_The pup had stopped crying since the moment he had taken him in his arm, recognizing him even when he didn’t had a scent, but the baby don’t smile, like he knew the truth too, like knew what Yoongi had tried to do._

_Like he knew how a rotten soul Yoongi was._

_And Yoongi takes it, whispering small apologize to the pup ear and kissing the baby forehead and singing small lullaby with a broken voice._

_They were two in this nightmare so Yoongi takes him, because the pup was alone too in the end._

_Like him._

_Because that way, he could expiate his sins._

*

There isn’t any scent when Jungkook father comes to them, instead, it’s just a man, small, with delicate feather and dark circles under his eyes. He looks too pale to be healthy and seems too frail with cat like eyes filled with fear and anxiety.

He looks sick.

Taehyung is the first to move toward him, coming to the man with a trembling voice.

“Sir, Jungkook is inside…” The man doesn’t say anything, nodding and pathing the younger omega shoulder in comfort.

The absence of his scent put Hoseok on edge, instantly clinging to Taehyung when they approach, and not going unnoticed from the men gaze.

He doesn’t stay long, disappearing behind those doors immediate after he came, leaving them behind with beating heart and worried gaze.

“Was it Jungkook father ?” Hoseok asked, voice trembling and beating the inside of his cheeks.

“yeah, I met him when Jungkook moved in.”

The men didn’t had a scent.

Like Jungkook.

And like the pup, he had the same look in his eyes, lost, hurt and broken.

*

_He named him Jungkook._

_And promised himself to never makes the pup love someone like him._

But Jungkook didn’t care about his lack of scent _._

_Promised to show him the ugliness of the world._

He become an affectionate pup, with warm hand and a warmer heart, even when Yoongi couldn’t give him the love he was asking for.

_And the sadness of life._

But Jungkook never leaved him, even when he asked him too, even when all Yoongi could give him was sadness and misery.

_But failed miserably._

He couldn’t love anymore, he couldn’t be happy, couldn’t cry, couldn’t smile, and he knew how it was hurting Jungkook, hopping that everything would end soon, that Jungkook would see his ugliness and leave him forever.

_At least he thought._

Until he found out, that life still hadn’t stopped to fuck with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the last chapter, read the Italic, then the normal later.  
> Please leave a comment !


	5. Beating Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for the late update, let’s say it’s a New Year gift ^^  
> Thanks a lot for your kind comment, the story will contain 5-7 more chapter for now, so I hope you will stay until the end.  
> Happy new year ^^

“Your son will die if in the next 24 hours his condition doesn’t stabilize.”

Nonsense.

It was the first thing that comes in Yoongi mind.

Nonsense that doctors were trying to fill his mind.

Was it written on his face that he was crazy ? that he would believe their words ? was it a prank ? to lie in his face every single time ? to try to play with his mind ?

Did they thought he was just defective ?

Or was it just a game for everyone ?

He was feeling like all those years ago, when Yoongi was trying to say the pup wasn’t his own but the doctors weren’t believing him, when they thought he was crazy, was it still the case ? were they still trying to show him as delirious ?

“Broking a bond is similar to a suicide, it require a lot of will, for now all we can do is keep his inner alpha alive, that whoever he broke his bond with is still there with him.”

“W-what… what are you talking about ?” his voice was trembling, unable to hold anything but shock, it was hard to follow what was said, his head was spinning with words that were slowly sinking heavily in his heart and making him feel nauseous with every passing second. “What do you mean he broke his bond… what…”

“His symptom are of withdrawal, it’s when a wolf lose a mate, a parent, someone really close to them, it happened when the wolf can’t bear to be alone and makes his presence disappear from the body, he doesn’t die, at least not entirely, but the withdrawal can be deadly for the boy.”

_Breath, breath, deep breath…_

“We can’t tell who he broke his bond with, so we need anyone close to him right now, he need to recognize the wolves around him by touching him or scenting him.”

Syndrome of withdrawal ?

_Breath, breath, not now… you can’t panic now, breath…_

Why would the pup would broke his bond ?

With who ? 

What had happened ?

Yoongi had so many questions, so many thoughts trying to leave his lips, but he couldn’t catch any of them, his tongue was to heavy in his mouth to talk and his eyes to lost to express anything.

Words were making a mess in his head, but then… the doctors talk about scenting.

Did he need to scent the pup ? couldn’t they see it ? couldn’t they see that he didn’t had a scent ?

“B-but… I don’t h-have a s-scent.” he whispers, eyes wide and afraid to hear something he didn’t want to.

In his mind, his lack of scent was becoming the sword od Democles that would end them, that would kill….

He was to no help, he couldn’t do anything, doesn’t it mean his pup would… would die …

“Since when ?” the doctor asked, eyes soft and trying to sooth him as much as he could.

“Since his birth.”

“It’s okay, his wolf isn’t used to your scent then, his alpha will recognize you by your presence, you will have to touch him, takes his hands, your voice will also help, talk to him. We’ll need to check why you don’t have a scent either to makes his case better. You aren’t forced of course” he ad quickly seeing Yoongi cower in himself.

“But it would help Jungkook a lot, he’s condition are ready fragile, we still need to know what exactly happened for the bond to broke, but for now we need your presence around him is really important. Stay by his side.”

He nods, hand trembling and tears gathering in his eyes that he tried to keep.

“I won’t sir, the next few days would be decisive. Not a scent would be allowed around the patient, we can’t risk anything. And if there is any mate, a close friend, someone he grew up with, anyone close to him, we’ll ask them to come too.”

Yoongi nod, staying quiet, palling at every word when the situation sinks in his mind.

“It will be okay Mr. Kim, we just need his heart to take a grip.”

_It will be okay…_

Yoongi couldn’t believe it.

He was seeing himself again years ago, when the doctors had said everything would be alright, but his life was slipping trough his fingers…

It was like he was 22 again and was looking at his world collapse again, but this time he was the one looking at someone dying…

He wanted to cry, to sob, to sleep for a long time and never wake up… but he didn’t.

He didn’t cry, it wasn’t the time because the pup needed him.

Even with his absence of love, of care for the pup, even when he knew would never be able to help in any way, even when he knew that his presence was to no use as much he wanted it to be, Yoongi wanted to be there.

He wanted to see the pup.

Was it his fault maybe ? did his insanity had touched the pup ? he couldn’t help but think it was his fault. That the absence of his own wolf had in a way touched the pup.

Like a curse.

The doctor was continuing to talk, to explain what he needed to do, what would happen, but Yoongi wasn’t there. He couldn’t listen when all he wanted was to open the door, to see the pup, just to make sure everything was still the same, he needed to see his face.

When he was allowed to enter the room, he faced dozen of machine, the place was covered in a white light that was making it all more creepy.

There wasn’t any sound other than the continuous bip of the machines. He could hear the beat of a heart, the whistling of a breath.

But he didn’t smell anyone. There wasn’t any scent for him to know any presence, and for a second relief wash over him knowing that maybe the pup wasn’t in a room full of medical machine that was making him feel everything all more real.

But then his eyes fall on the lump covered in a white blanket.

Too small.

Too thin.

Too weak.

Too pale.

It wasn’t Jungkook, couldn’t they see it ? the body, the face, nothing was Jungkook.

Until he was.

When he approaches to see the face, it was his Jungkook, weakened, with hollow cheeks, body connected to machines by ten pipes.

It was a nightmare.

Yoongi stay next to the door a long moment, looking eyes wide to the small body. He didn’t feel his tears, didn’t hear the small cries leaving his lips, didn’t feel his feet move slowly to approach the bed.

What he did feel was his hands trying to touch the pup, trying to lay his hands on him to feel his warm skin.

But when his fingers brush over the pup forehead…

Cold

Weak

Sick.

Sick.

The person was sick, and it wasn’t the pup.

Couldn’t be the pup.

But it was.

The same jaw, the same nose.

The same scars on the cheek.

It was the pup, but in the limit of death.

*

Yoongi had a bad relationship with hospital, even when he would be sick, he would never get there, the rare occasion would be when the pup would be sick or needed a checkup.

If not, he would do anything to avoid them since the pup birth.

He had lose all hope in the medical field, he didn’t trust them, but for the first time, he couldn’t help but turn to them, to beg, to cry, to wish for anyone to help the pup.

Strangely everything was different, this time he was waiting for the doctor to tell him that everything would be alright, because Yoongi couldn’t hold anything more inside his head.

The last weeks, he was feeling himself fall harder in the depths that was darkness.

But then the doctor had started to say nonsense.

The pup couldn’t die.

It was like the law of the universe, Yoongi knew that no matter what it wasn’t the pup to die.

How can Yoongi, someone without scent, without a heart, without any paternal instinct, without instinct at all could help the pup?

Yoongi was to no use.

As much as the doctors seems to say, Yoongi knew that he couldn’t do anything.

He was ashamed in a sense.

Ashamed to have the face of a murderer.

Because Yoongi had been one for years, he killed his own pup before, killed his mate because of his impatience, and with every passing second, he waw going to kill someone else, someone that never asked to be there…

Logically he knew it wasn’t true, but he couldn’t think of anything else, couldn’t think straight.

The pup will die when he wasn’t supposed to.

“Please, not him, don’t take him…” were the only words that left his lips after hours.

The person that needed to die, to leave this nightmare was himself.

He needed to die to free Jungkook, not the other way around.

*

He stays standing against the bed a long time, silent tears striping down without his knowledge, his eyes were caressing the pup face, but his mind was anywhere, lost in the years that had bring him here

What had he done for the sky to punish him every time ?

What had he done that the pup was taking the punishment in his place ?

Yoongi had seen a lot of movie about death, had read many stories too, people regretting their wrongdoing when someone would die, how they would regret their past, how they couldn’t make peace with themselves.

If Yoongi would have be in a movie, he would easily play those roles, he would let his self-pity show, cry a few tears and turn away.

But it was life, his real life.

And it wasn’t about regret anymore.

The pup, Jungkook, the pup he had raised wasn’t supposed to die, it wasn’t his story, nore his fault, it was all Yoongi wrong doing, so why the kid was suffering in his place ?

Jungkook couldn’t die, it was those words that make Yoongi fell on his knee, sobbing his heart out and forehead hitting the soft mattress.

Jungkook couldn’t die.

He just couldn’t.

*

He tries to calm down, whipping his tears and passing his hand on his face to gain a semblant of control, he needed to stay calm.

To inform the pup waiting outside, to stay sane, he needed to gain control over himself if he wanted the pup to be okay.

So he breath, deeply, hands shyly caressing the pup soft hair, trembling and wanting nothing more but to stay there.

For the first time in year, he forced his thought to stop, to push them away for the sake of the pup, to breath and suppress any lingering tears.

He needed to be an adult, he needed to be strong for as long as the pup needed him.

_He needed to be strong._

It’s that mantra that makes him calm down, whipping any trace of tears from his face and taking one last breath before stepping out from the hospital room.

The way out was hard, heart beating wildly in his ribcage after every step away from the pup.

_A pull…_

Clutching his heart and making him feel sick, maybe it was his guilt, or his desperation to stay by the pup side to make sure he was okay, or maybe it was his biology… but in any case he ignored it to found the two pups.

They listen to him when he explains what was happening, how the pup was in a state where life and death were both asking for him.

It was hard to see the young omega broke down in tears, to look at the alpha takes him in a hug that neither of them separated from.

Hard enough that Yoongi felt tears gather in his eyes, but he didn’t let them fall.

Because he needed to be strong.

For them.

For the pup.

“Mr. Kim, he will be alright, right ? he will be okay?” the young omega ask, eyes red and damp, and voice trembling in a sob that broke what little heart Yoongi had left.

He wanted to say yes, to makes other empty lies, but never in his life he had been so unsure, so broken, so feeling exposed and unsafe, never he had felt himself so lost.

“I don’t know” is all he said.

*

He didn’t ask them to go home.

But he knows they would stay in the corridor outside, waiting for any update from him or the doctors.

The first night pass in a blur.

Yoongi stay close to the pup, sited in a chair that he had placed against the bed just to be able to takes the pup hands nonstop.

He didn’t think, at least try to not think, all he wanted, is to stay by the pup side, to give him as much of his touch as possible, to see the colors come back in his cheek.

He wanted the pup to open his eyes.

But as much as he wanted it, his thought falls back in their used to feeling of self-depreciation.

He couldn’t stop himself but think that maybe it was his fault, that maybe, his inner omega had in some way broken the pup too, that maybe Yoongi was just damned and had given the pup his curse too.

 _“He had done it, he had done it”_ was the only thing in his head.

He didn’t touch him more than he could, the pup seems so fragile that Yoongi felt like anything could break him, his finger where bony and veiny, too small, too weak and too pall, like a simple touch could break him.

How Jungkook had lose so much weight ? how could feel so small when he was taller than him ? how did he fall sick so quickly ?

Yoongi couldn’t understand anything, he had so many question, so many thought, but he do is stay by the pup side, he just takes his hands in his, delicately, caressing his hair with the other hand.

He doesn’t remember the last time he had shown any kind of affection to Jungkook but couldn’t think of that.

_Not now… not now, Jungkookie needs you, not now…_

He just needed the pup to wake up.

That night all he did was cry, silent in a room full of noise.

*

Bip of the machine.

Wheezing.

Irregular heartbeat.

Like he was on the edge of life.

*

He cries, trying to understand what had been wrong.

What he had done in his past life to broke everything around him.

What had he done to gain the anger of the skies.

*

_Jungkook had broken his own bond…_

The doctors words keeps traveling his mind, stuck and refusing to leave.

The pup had broken his bond, he had broken his own bond with whoever it was.

He had set his own death…

His symptom of imminent dead like his soul being cut open where similar to what Yoongi had felt himself years ago.

But Yoongi had passed through despair, sadness, depression to go to this extant.

_Does that mean that Jungkook was suffering to ?_

_Does that mean… but how long and why?_

_Why ?_

He didn’t know, all he could do is takes his hand, and be there when all these years he had only shown his absence…

In all his life he never felt more useless until now.

*

“Jungkookie… please… can you hear me ?”

His voice is a whisper, caress against a skin to cold to be normal. It’s in the late hour of the night that Yoongi had the strength to finally break the heavy silence surrounding them, but the only answer he get is the breathing of the pup, labored and slow.

He doesn’t know how much time had passed.

Hours ? Minutes ?

All he knows is that he hadn’t seen the sun outside since a long time.

Here the time is tramped.

Like freeze in a time space that he has no control over.

His touch is a ghost over the pup forehead, warm, cold, a mixture that at some point Yoongi don’t feel any more other than the contact of their skin.

It’s soft, gentle finger caressing the pup scalp.

More than a touch, it’s a way to makes him feel the pup presence.

To make his soul quiet down from his cries by making sure the pup is there.

With him.

_He’s still there…_

_*_

His condition was worsening in front of his eyes and Yoongi didn’t know what to do.

He held his hand hours, keep himself close enough to let his warmness sip over the pup, but in the end it wasn’t enough.

“Appa is here, Jungkookie“ he sobs, trying to stop and keep quiet, he didn’t want to break the peace around him.

Like a way to gain over death.

 _Don’t make a sound if you don’t want the angel of death to take you_ , he had read one day.

It has never been so true than today.

*

Jungkookie, I’m sorry… appa is sorry…”

It’s cruel how the only time he’s able to say apologize, the pup isn’t able to hear him.

*

The night was long, the checkup many.

“Prepare for the worst.” the doctor had said early in the morning.

And Yoongi hadn’t cried, he let out the same bestial sound than the day of years ago, a sound that come from the depths of his soul

From his omega.

The feeling was strange but not foreign, more a used to feeling that his body was slowly trying to remember.

It was like for a second his instinct was there, with him, showing him what to do, where to go.

For just a second, he wasn’t alone.

So he listen to this small feeling warming his chest by falling on his knee in front of the doctors and beg.

Beg for a life, for a life he had never wanted, but a life he wanted to be saved.

He cried, plead, implore with all his heart, with a voice that wasn’t his own.

“S-save him, same him, i-I beg you tt-o save him, please s-save him... P-please…”

It wasn’t him.

It was his omega.

*

It’s hour later, he’s sited in the same chair he hadn’t leave all night, eyes empty and lost in the pup face, his hand covering the pup smaller one, like a shield.

The shield Yoongi was supposed to be.

But had never been one.

The first touch is always cold, cold but soft, the pup fingers were longer than what he remembers, the one of an adult and Yoongi cry.

He cry because he can’t remember the time.

Can’t remember the years that had past.

All he can think about is today, now, the pup…

Maybe it’s why Yoongi move, slowly, climbing the bed and laying down slowly next to the pup, there isn’t much place, but Yoongi had learn to cower himself and makes himself small when he needed to.

So here he was, somewhere where maybe Jungkook probably didn’t want him.

He lies down in a small ball, putting his hand in the pup heart to feel the slow beating, to count the heartbeat.

To makes himself better with the only thought that he was still alive.

Jungkook is still there.

“Jungkookie…” he whisper… low, too low to be heard by anyone other than the pup himself. “Appa is sorry… appa won’t leave you anymore, he promises, appa is sorry for leaving you… I... I won’t... I won’t… appa... s-sorry... app…” he sob again after what feels like a hundred time, face hiding tin the pup shoulder and wanting desperately for a miracle to happen, for his scent to come out, for his omega to be there again.

For Jungkook to wake up from his own nightmare.

It’s all those years again, when he needed guidance but there was no one to show him anything.

It’s the history repeating itself again.

“Pup, appa is here… can you fell me ? do you hear me ?” he continue after calming down, whispering in his ear, desperately wanting an answer.

“Appa is here.”

Appa is finally here, he wants to say too.

Finally.

_Finally._

But he doesn’t instead, he curled around the pup weak body, giving him warmness, giving him as much as he was able to.

_It’s okay, it’s what the bond are for._

Yoongi remember, how Jungkook would always turn to him, even when Yoongi didn’t have a scent, how the pup would always know where he was in the house without scenting him, how no matter what, Jungkook would always turn to him in the end, it make him feel small.

Guilt, anger and desperation.

How can he help ? he hadn’t been a father all those years, had never consider the pup as his own, how can he help ? his presence wasn’t doing anything. His wolf, instinct were to no help, he didn’t even know if Jungkook wanted him here, what could he fucking do !?

He was feeling nothing but insignificant… he was nothing…

It was so late, he had broken the pup too, he had broken the only person that had ever loved him.

How could he help when eh was the one to put the pup where he was ?

“Jungkookie, I’m sorry… I’m so so sorry.”

He had broken the pup.

He had broken their bond even before knowing there had been one all along.

*

“He had been closed off since… a month ago I think… he broke down, I don’t know what happened and he didn’t talk to us” the young omega had said, Taehyung was his name, taller than him and with a sweet scent that put even him at ease.

“He… I heard him crying in his room and he bolt out, I don’t know what had happened, none of us do, but after that he just... closed off… he wasn’t himself anymore.”

It didn’t take long for Yoongi to know what had happened.

*

It’s a week later, when the doctors said something was wrong with his heart that he takes his hand, clutching wanting him to keep here, it’s cold, soft, smaller, a hand he hadn’t taken in years.

*

Yoongi couldn’t stop touching him.

Strangely where he couldn’t find himself to be close to the pup, now he can’t stop touching him. His hands are always in Jungkook’s smaller one.

A way for him to give him warmness. And Yoongi a way to tell himself that Jungkook was still there.

Strangely after the first touch the worse doesn’t come.

After Yoongi had lied down next to the pup, he didn’t stop doing it, curling himself against the pup like he would do whenever Jungkook had a nightmare, hands over the pup heart to feel his heartbeat.

Maybe it was the gesture, maybe his body warmness or the pup would feel his presence.

But in any case, his state stabilized.

The sigh the doctors let out was enough for Yoongi to close his eyes and breath deeply in relief.

After the doctors said, “he’s getting better”, Yoongi didn’t leave the room, didn’t leave the pup side.

In the morning he would wash his face in the hospital restroom and come quickly back to takes the pup hands again in his.

Some afternoons he would talk, voice in a whisper and tell about what was happening outside of the room, about school, about the world, small talk that would always end up to him whipping his tears.

But Jungkook was getting better.

His lips weren’t as blue as before, his skin wasn’t pale.

Death wasn’t looming over him anymore.

*

Nurses and doctors go in and out all nights and days.

Checking, probing, changing the drips. At some point Jungkook is just a body, without soul, without feeling to be touched or not.

Yoongi remember how when he was a small pup he hated being touched by anyone that wasn’t him, how he would try to climb in his lap to avoid the doctors hands and Yoongi would always keep him close to his heart just for a shot.

But it was years ago, when things where still simpler.

*

It’s Hoseok that tell him everything.

Yoongi learn quickly that the two pups waiting everyday were mates, people that care for Jungkook like their own brother.

It had warmed his heart but also brock it, knowing that Yoongi himself had never show this care to the pup before.

But in a sense, it was relief that even without him, Jungkook had people that cared for him.

*

There was one thing, Hoseok had learn growing up, it was to takes what parents give him without complain.

He had grown with his grandparents and would see his own parents just a few days per year, that’s why every time, he would try to take from them as much love as they could give him.

Their work were tiring and Hoseok knew they couldn’t stay with him a long moment, that’s why he would stay quit around them, just close, scenting them and hugging them whenever he could, and those moment would be enough to pass months without seeing them.

There had been a time when he presented, where he had lost his scent, his parents weren’t around and he had lost his grandmother just days ago, his wolf had been quiet to the lose abandoning him, and not having a scent had makes him desperate, when his parents had knew they had comeback, but the damage had been done and Hoseok could never forgot the abandon of his wolf, even if he knew it wasn’t desired.

That time of his life was a nightmare.

It was long ago now, his scent had been back months after, but he couldn’t forget the sensation to lose someone, to lose himself, to be alone, and completely lonely.

That’s why Jungkook losing his was something he couldn’t let go, he knew how it was, how alone and lonely you felt when the world was so full of people.

But then he meets Jungkook father, without a scent too, and he understood, at least a little.

He wanted to ask, how ? why ? wanted to help his friend, that he had gone to considered like a brother, but he stay quiet, because it wasn’t something anyone liked to talk about freely.

So the days passed in the hospital, he stay quiet, gaining some courage to talk, and maybe help Mr. Kim to understand what was happening, he did the night where the doctors tell them to expect the worst.

Hoseok couldn’t wait anymore, because maybe his words would change something, maybe his knowledge would keep Jungkook alive.

“Sir…?”

Taehyung had gone home after discussing with the doctors of the circumstance, wanting to be left alone just for the night.

Hoseok had stayed, looking at Jungkook father trying to eat the dinner he had bring with him, but Hoseok never really saw him eat completely, never see him goes to the hospital cafeteria or even bring food.

That day wasn’t different.

“I lost my scent when I present” he blurt out, feeling the need to talk, he had never talk about it, not wanting the attention, it was a chapter of his life long forgotten, but it seems that now was the time to let it out.

“I was alone when it happened, I present alone, without no one around and I had lost someone dear to me just days ago and… my wolf couldn’t support I supposed… so he disappeared.”

He didn’t look up continuing, feeling eyes boring into his soul.

“Jungkook didn’t talk a lot with us, but I know that there is something… he was always sad and I heard him cry many night... I don’t want to say anything stupid, but mister Kim I think that whatever happened was after that first night...”

When he looks up, wanting to explain detail by detail what had happened, there was tears in the man eyes, and Hoseok panics, trying to find words that would sooth Jungkook father but Yoongi urst into tears, ugly and deep that wrecked him.

And Hoseok didn’t know what to do, because it wasn’t just cry of sadness but years of regret that was falling out.

*

The wait to know.

The wait to understand.

The wait for the pup to just open his eyes is something Yoongi had a hard time with.

The nurses and doctors can’t do more than ask them to be patient.

To give them files with medical jargon and half pat on the shoulder to make them wait longer.

It’s hard not knowing how Jungkook is really is.

How many hours, days the pup would keep his eyes closed.

At some point the doctors all said was “he’s getting better, Jungkook is fighting, we just have to wait for when he’s ready to wake up.”

But how long ?

Yoongi had never been patient.

Not when it’s about the pup wellbeing.

*

Since a few days ago, visitors were allowed to enter the room if only wearing scent blocker and Taehyung hadn’t leave the pup side since then, always wearing a sad smile and a worried gaze. He never touches the pup but stayed close enough.

He would always bring Yoongi something to eat even when the older would never takes a bite, something to pass time, always trying to make the wait bearable with books.

His company is warming, they didn’t talk much but the presence of another omega is always comforting.

It was two weeks since he was admitted that the younger omega talks to him, voice small and hesitant.

“Can’t you do anything? I... I know that you don’t had a scent but… can’t you do anything ?”

As a parent he should have maybe feel offended, or angry maybe, but all he felt was guilt, sadness.

He didn’t know what to say, what to feel, he didn’t know if he had even the right to feel something at this point.

 _How can he need me, I let him go before_ is what comes in mind, but the kid had tears in his eye, a desperation that seems deeper than before.

Yoongi had known about omega taking other pup under their wings when they feel a sense of protection, it wasn’t something he had felt, but it wasn’t rare, so he could understand to a certain extant what the pup was feeling.

But all he had to say was empty words.

“He will die sir, if he doesn’t wake up, he will die… he…”

“He can’t die, he’s not supposed to die.”

Those weren’t empty words.

*

It’s four weeks letter when Jungkook doesn’t need help to breath, the pipes attached to his body becomes less and less.

His heart stop being unstable, his face takes a little color and his cheeks become a little less hollow.

His breath isn’t hissing anymore and his doesn’t seems sick.

But he doesn’t open his eyes.

He never moved and never show any sign to waking up.

But at least he isn’t dying.

He won’t die.

And that alone make Yoongi cry in relief.

*

That night after Taehyung had leaved, he lie down in the same small space next to Jungkook, making himself small, it’s hesitant, bare of the first desperation, this time Jungkook can really feel him, he can hear him, Jungkook is there.

Jungkook is there.

Really there.

*

He wakes up to the kid breathing being quiet.

It’s five weeks since the first day.

Five long weeks where all Yoongi heard is silence.

The pup is still in a hospital room but far away from the ICU, the place isn’t less hostile.

Nothing had changed.

Not the pup position, not his state, not his constant silence.

His skill is still pale, and his body thin, but it’s the better he had looked since weeks.

“I’m sorry Jungkookie, I’m sorry that you had to cut your bond to show me what you were really feeling. I’m sorry that appa couldn’t have seen you were hurting, I’m sorry to haven’t been the appa you wanted, I am so so sorry pup” he cry a lot recently, silent tears striping down. Often, he would ignore them, eyes lost somewhere in the room.

Talking had become he’s way to cop.

“Appa won’t leave you, I never intendant to leave you… I just… I… thought that maybe you will be wanted to leave me one day... I wanted to tell you that you were free to leave, to go anywhere... I didn’t... I didn’t think about anything else… I’m sorry pup… I’m so sorry for being a shitty father”

It wasn’t the first time he was saying it, and it won’t be the last.

*

It’s been six week and Jungkook still hadn’t open his eyes.

He didn’t tighten his finger when Yoongi takes his hand.

Didn’t show any sign of hearing them.

And its worrying, because why ?

What is stopping Jungkook to open his eyes ?

“It’s himself.” the doctor had said “wolf tend to disappear for some time, they need to heal their bond, their soul, it makes the soul weaker, unable to move, it happened that the body goes to a coma to recover as much as he need to.”

“Does that mean… he won’t wake up ?” he asked, the worst of his nightmare coming true.

“We can’t say, he can wake up tomorrow, like in years.”

Nonsense.

Again, again and again.

It’s all nonsense.

It’s been 6 weeks, 6 long weeks…

Slow and hard weeks where Yoongi saw himself losing everything.

“He would be transferred in special care if his state doesn’t better, there is center specially for patient in need like his case.”

And Yoongi knew what it means.

That Jungkook would maybe never wake up.

That they needed to free a bed.

That they couldn’t do anything more.

*

In all those weeks, he goes to the pup shared apartment many time, to shower, to change clothes, to breath, at some point he forgot when to eat or to bath, its hard to leave the pup side, harder to go far away from the pup, but he’s forced by Taehyung and Hoseok to at least goes to their dorm to freshen up.

But every time is like another knife in his heart.

The place is constantly filled with the dull scent of an alpha, disappearing with every passing weeks, a ghost looming over the place like reminder of what had happened.

But what is harder, is to smell the desperation and sadness lingering on the walls.

It’s to smell Jungkook cry for help and not being able to do anything.

It had never fall in his mind that Jungkook would know his secret one day, it was something he would stay quiet about, reveal it when they would both be ready.

He had been ready to face the pup hatred and anger, to face the consequence of his silent.

But not like this…

It was supposed to happen years later, when Yoongi would be old, when the pup had found a mate, when life had makes them both fall apart so the past doesn’t hurt as much.

But in all those thought Yoongi had forgotten that in the end, he had been the one to raise the pup, that in the end, the pup had gained his weakness for emotion.

Never thought that he would find out, less that Jungkook would be taking it in heart so much.

Normally he should have called the pup right away, but he didn’t, maybe it was a sign for him to let go to, Jungkook hadn’t stayed after all when he had tell him to go to Seoul, so maybe it was all.

He was too afraid to switch on his phone to face the reality. Afraid to let the past catch up, until he fall sick.

The file glaring at him, he couldn’t touch it, so far that he started to fall asleep when he could on the couch, he couldn’t move, couldn’t cry, he was in a state where he didn’t know what was happening.

Yoongi had let all his life pass with the only thought that years and Time always heal the worse pain.

He never thought that the same Time make resurface old wounds.

*

Packing had been harder, the pup had few clothes and books, when Yoongi had learn that Jungkook had thrown away many of his things in the weeks he had been in Seoul, Yoongi hadn’t say anything, staying quiet eyes roaming to the few things that was left.

The boxes were few, but he wasn’t ready to just bring them in his car.

He stays sited in the pup room floor, staying in the pup lingering scent, a consolation.

It was selfish considering he was the one to always push the pup away.

And for that he hated himself.

*

Yoongi never really feel a motherly love, even when he was pregnant, it was more happiness to give his mate a pup to have his own, not that he never loved his pup, but it wasn’t the love of a mother.

Yes he wanted to protect it, to give him happiness to see him grow and fall in love, he had thought about everything he would have done with his pup, but he didn’t love him, he didn’t caress his bum, didn’t talk sweet words, he would hum, liking how the pup would react to his voice.

That’s why maybe he never really loved Jungkook.

At least it was what he had thought all those years.

Jungkook wasn’t his own and Yoongi was a selfish person.

He had never liked children, never liked people, he was a quite and introverted person, the fact that Seokjin had fall for him was a miracle in itself because Seokjin was everything he was not.

Seokjin was bright, smiling, loud and touchy, Seokjin like people, like children, likes the life and the world.

But Yoongi didn’t, he never planned to be a parent ever, but having Seokjin makes him want to give him a gift, like a present thanking him to choose Yoongi over every omega that wanted Seokjin.

That’s why he decide to have a child, his pup wasn’t planned like many things in his life, but he was happy, happy to see Seokjin bright eyes, to feel his arm around him when he find out, to hear his laugh, happy and bright.

But then he had Jungkook.

Jungkook that wasn’t the source of happiness of his mate, Jungkook that wasn’t his, Jungkook that didn’t hear his voice when he was in his bum, that didn’t come out of his womb, Jungkook that wasn’t his blood.

When he had find out who Jungkook was, when he had been able to takes the pup mother death certificate, he had cried, angry tears, he had curse her, because if she wasn’t dead maybe he didn’t had to takes care of a pup that wasn’t his and could have grief his life in peace.

But the pup was there, and Yoongi couldn’t cry.

Jungkook, the small pup wasn’t quiet, he would cry all night, making him stay awake, in a sense it was like the pup had replaced his mate loud presence, but Yoongi didn’t want that.

He wants the quietness of his life, he wanted to cry, to scream, to be left alone in his pitiful life but the pup didn’t let him.

He try to take care of him, it was hard at first, trying to erase of his memory what had happened, trying to feed him even when his mind was crying “this milk wasn’t supposed to be yours.”

Maybe all those small things stop him to love the pup.

Maybe it was just him, selfish, ugly Yoongi.

Maybe any omega would have been able to love any pup, maybe Yoongi was just an ugly person.

Maybe.

Maybe what had happened was a punishment for his ugly heart.

Maybe he was bound to destroy everything around him, even people he loved.

That’s why he didn’t give Jungkook away, to take the punishment, to makes the pup grow and makes a decent human, to be forgiven.

He cried every night during those years, wanting his mate to comeback.

He had even cried for his lost pup, at least if his pup would have been alive, he would have a piece of Seokjin, something to love, something to hold on.

But he had nothing, nothing other than someone he didn’t want to.

All of this, Yoongi had thought about during the past weeks, it had been 2 months since Jungkook wasn’t waking up.

Two long months that seems like a lifetime.

It was like another trial, something he needed to prove.

*

All those years, he hadn’t care for his scent because he didn’t want to be reminded of what he had lost, his scent was something Seokjin would love, always attached to his neck, he had been thankful for the loss, refusing to scent his own and being reminded that his alpha scent won’t be there mixed anymore.

But there was another reason he hadn’t cared.

Jungkook.

Jungkook that he didn’t want to be able to recognize him in the crowd and mostly, afraid that one day his omega would accept him as his own pup and forgot everything that had happened.

A pup needed his parent scent to grow, it was reassurance, something to comeback for, but Yoongi hadn’t give him that, and Jungkook had never asked why he was the only child not scented.

But it didn’t mean Jungkook never felt anything.

And it was something has he only realized now.

The pup was a sensitive child, Yoongi remember how he would pout whenever Yoongi won’t kiss him goodbye, or how his eyes would show sadness when Yoongi wouldn’t congratulate him for a good mark.

It was cruel how Yoongi was remembering everything now, at that time all he wanted for the pup was to understand that Yoongi won’t love him, that Jungkook needed to protect his own heart to not get hurt, but Jungkook was just a pup.

A pup in need of his parent approval like Yoongi himself has been long ago.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Empty apology that weren’t heard…

He lied down next to Jungkook body, passing his arm around his torso hand in the pup heart, feeling it beat, reassuring himself.

It was just that now, reassurance…

_That the pup was still there…_

Yoongi had been cruel, he had done what he had promised himself to never do.

To makes his own parents mistakes.

*

But strangely lately it wasn’t his parents that he was thinking about.

But nana.

Nana who had been a mother when his own wasn’t there to wipe his tears.

Nana who had takes his hand in his lowest moment.

Seokjin’s mother.

_*_

_Namjoon was 12 when he leaves Seoul, 17 when he’s accepted in a renowned university, 22 when he gets his first full time job, and all those years he never comeback to Seoul._

_But it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t miss is home._

_He may have grown up in the USA and had passed half of his life there, the memories of his happy childhood had always been there to makes him miss his homeland._

_Even when Seokjin would always call him every day and talk for hours until one of them fall asleep in the middle of the call, Namjoon was still homesick._

_He missed his eomma food, his appa jokes and his hyung hug._

_He just missed home._

_All those years, he tried many times to come back, even for a few days, but when it wasn’t for his degree, it was his new job that taking too much time._

_New York life makes everyone too busy, and Namjoon hated it._

_Being away from home was hard but it was bearable when he could talk to his family everyday._

_The first time he had regrated not coming back to Korea was when Seokjin hyung talk about his new friend for the first time._

_A special friend that his hyung would always speak with kindness and maybe a little too sweet voice._

_“Yoonie is so cute.”_

_“Yoonie smile is so pretty.”_

_“He’s so delicate.”_

_If Namjoon knew that the said friend wasn’t really one, he didn’t say anything about it and it didn’t passed a few weeks before Seokjin tell him he had boyfriend._

_Kim Namjoon had never been so sad not being able to meet his hyung “future” mate than at those weeks, he was still trying to jungle between his internship and side job, waiting for nay opportunity to takes a few days off, some weekend he would work more hours until he would fall asleep over his desk._

_He had never regretted coming to New York more than when he received his brother invitation to his wedding._

_Namjoon had never been so happy, already thinking about how he would help them prepare the ceremony, what he would wear, and his speech… oh he had written pages of what he wanted to say to their wedding, he wanted his hyung to be proud of him and maybe cry a few tears, but then… his boss refused to give him days off._

_He had begged his boss, going to ask for sup hour just to be able to take at least a 5 day off, but he couldn’t._

_Namjoon had cried in the phone to Seokjin, “I’m sorry...”_

_“It’s okay pup, maybe we can have a wedding there.” but Namjoon had said no, to much money and too far for them, all he had been able was to see pictures of them, a small cute omega pale and delicate that Seokjin would always be proud of._

_He had talked to Yoongi once on skype and two times on the phone, the omega was calm, levelheaded but he was everything Seokjin needed, they completed each other. The omega may be shy, reserved but he had eyes that would see through your soul, someone that Namjoon wanted to be friend with._

_“He’s so cute Joonie, I want to put him in my pocket but don’t tell him that when you will see him, he will bite me.”_

_The couple where happy, beautiful and Namjoon wanted them to be always stay that way forever._

_Time in new York was always too fast, one moment he had Yoongi name for the first time and the next he would became uncle, he regretted to not come to their wedding but it was worse when he couldn’t be able to see the pup._

_Namjoon had been sad not being able to be a good brother in law, a good son, a good brother._

_He had never hated New York more than the day Nana called._

_*_

_“Seokjin is dead… I… Yoongi... the pup... the pup isn’t here anymore too... Yoongi”_

_*_

_It was cruel how his boss let him go to his brother death, cruel that the only time he had been able to see his brother face after years had been on his deathbed._

*

Even more cruel, that the next time he hears Yoongi name was years later, when he had finally mourned his hyung, when he had finally been able to abandon the idea to find Yoongi.

When all he wanted was for his hyung mate to find happiness.

Wherever he was.

“Yoongi need us.” is what nana had said, voice trembling in the same fervor all those years ago.

With the same fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, leave a comment ! ^^


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